


Inseparable

by marikei



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Humor, Coming Out, F/M, First Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Oikawa Tooru is Bad at Feelings, Original Character(s), Parent Death, Sibling Bonding, Sibling Rivalry, Tendou Satori Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:06:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 25,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27686662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marikei/pseuds/marikei
Summary: "IF YOU USE MY NICE FACE WASH AGAIN, I'LL KILL YOU!""Can't be that nice if your skin still looks like this."As children, Tōru Oikawa and his younger sister Kana were inseparable.Now in high school, Tōru is crumbling under the weight of his own goals- while Kana fears he's casting a shadow she'll be never be able to step out of.  The two siblings live in separate worlds, until Kana falls for a strange boy on a rival volleyball team.
Relationships: Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Tendou Satori & Ushijima Wakatoshi, Tendou Satori/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 56





	1. Memory

**Author's Note:**

> hiya !! here's another haiku fanfic, thank you for reading!!

My mother knew how to smile. She knew how to bake, how to mend clothes and scrapes, how to manage our family's money, how to resolve any conflict.

Above all, I think, she knew how to tell stories.

Every year on my birthday, my mom would perch at the edge of the couch, peach nail polish toes dangling off the side.

Tōru and I would sit on the ground, staring up at her, and she would tell the story of the first time we met.

Of course, at this point, it was a tale we knew by heart, but we never asked her for a different story.

"So I was sitting in the bed with Kana, and she was wrapped tight in a bright yellow blanket. She was very, very small."

And we would yell, "HOW SMALL?"

My mother would throw her head back, her laughter like bells.

"Itty bitty bitty bitty, smaller than a mouse."

I would look at my hands and think, wow, that's small.

"Dad brought Tōru into the room, he was only one years old, and we laid you two side by side. You two looked at each other, for barely a second. Kana's eye's got big. Then Tōru said..."

At this part of the story, she would point at my brother. He would leap up, make his hands into little fists, and let out a great   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

My mother would have to shout over him to continue, "AND THEN KANA SAID.."   
she would point to me and I would leap up next to Tōru.   
"EEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

We would try to out yell each other until my mom waved her hands like a conductor, the signal to stop.

"And Kana started to cry, because she was very new and very frightened, but Tōru took her tiny hand is his chubby little hand and gave it a big squeeze."

My mother would jump down from the couch, pick both of us, and squeeze us until our bellies ached from laughter. We would lay on the floor, staring up at the ceiling.   
Her, Tōru, and I.

"Just like that, there were no more tears. Not a single one."

"UNTIL THE ALIENS CAME!"   
"YEAH, THE ALIENS!"

My mother shook her head, "No, there weren't any aliens."

"Are you sure?", I would ask.   
"Are you really, really sure?", Tōru would pout.

Depending on how tired she was, sometimes there were aliens. Sometimes there weren't.   
No matter what, at the end of the story, my mother would remind us.

"When things are scary, or sad, or they make you so, so mad you want to yell- all you need to do is hold hands and stick together. Then everything will be okay. Kana. Tōru. Don't forget that, do you promise?"

"WE PROMISE!"

But promises, like memories, wear thin over time.


	2. My Brother, The King

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG

"SHITTYKAWA, YOU OPEN THIS DOOR."

I beat my fists against the wood, trying to be heard over the blow dryer.

"SHITTIER-KAWA, WAIT YOUR TUUUURN."

My brother sang, blasting the beeps and subtones of pop on the other side of the grain. The blow dryer went off and the sink went on.

"IF YOU USE MY NICE FACE WASH AGAIN, I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU."

Tōru popped out, ducking slightly under the frame. He grabbed my face with one hand, wrinkling his nose.

"It can't be that nice if your skin still looks like this."

He quickly darted back into the bathroom, locking the door. I didn't try to lunge my way in. In freshman year, I attempted to pry open the door, which inspired an early morning quest to the ER. My fingers were black and blue for days, but thankfully unbroken.   
Tōru didn't even apologize when it had happened.

By the time I got into the bathroom, it was a mess. He had threw my shit everywhere in search of God know's what.

As I got ready, I dumped out his shampoo, a fragrant, blue cascade.

Tōru and I had never outgrown our childish tendencies. There were many factors that led to our acts of warfare, but if I was interested in embarking on a psycho-nosedive, I would guess that our suspicious harmony as children left a lot of untapped sibling hatred.

Among other things.

Tōru has taken too long, so I didn't have time for breakfast. He was waiting in the backseat by the time I got to the car.

My brother, among other critical life skills he lacked, could not drive.

He claimed he was too involved in his extracurriculars to devote time to learning, an excuse my dad easily bought that allowed me to embark on an early career as an unpaid chauffeur.

The dingy old car huffed loudly, shuddered, then started. It was an old model lacking an aux cord, so I flipped to the classic rock station.

I drove to the end of the street as Tōru protested the music, stopping at the corner to pick up Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi and Tōru had been best friends for the majority of their life spans.   
When I was younger, we would all play asteroids and spaceships- a game my brother and I made up that involved choosing someone to throw rocks at.

"Iwa-Chan!"  
"Shut the fuck up."

I snorted. Iwaizumi popped in some headphones and closed his eyes, laying back against the seat.

He was still pretty cool after all this time.

As we approached Aobajohsai High, I pulled over, letting my brother out before he and I would be spotted in proximity to each other, per his request.   
Iwaizumi smiled, thanking me, as he followed behind.

I watched Tōru walk up the path to the school, in perfect bliss.

The king proceeds to his castle.

I was about to turn into the school parking lot when I felt my stomach flip inside out, making an inelegant whale call.

I suppose I could skip home room again and swing by a coffee shop.


	3. Girl Unseen

The last dregs of my iced coffee floated around in the half melt. Two girls gave me a nasty look as I noisily retrived them with my straw.

I saw Mrs. Hamada and lightly side stepped behind a corner. Not only had I missed homeroom, I realized about halfway through my day, my sneakers weren't dress code.

High school is awful.   
This is a universal truth that is only forfeitted by the delusional or beautiful.   
It's also just not.. a very important place.   
High school is a longwinded exposure to mediocrity, a temporary alternate reality you must endure to unlock some other level.

I don't know what that level is or if it's any great, seismic improvement. I have my doubts.

There's no point in future panic right now, my current preocupation is evading a tardy slip and a uniform citation.

Oh, and-

"Kana! Hi!"

My brother's girlfriend, Miriko.

"How are you?"

I nodded, "Fine." Under her eyes, I was hyper attentive to every hair I have out of place, every spare lint particle on my sweater.

I know she can easily parcel these flaws, as well. Miriko is wonderful at calling attention to me under the guise of patronizing concern.

"Have you been sleeping ok?"

"Yes..."

"Ah, sorry. You just look a little frazzled. Are you sure everything's fine?"

"MMhmm."

She swished down the hallway, light hair curling around her shoulders.   
I think she's convinced that if she becomes some patron saint older sister figure, Toru will spend more time with her than he does with his volleyball. Unfortunately, Miriko's gestures of faux concern consistenly come off rude and I do not think she understands that having good points with me does not give her good points with my brother.

If anything, her point amount would deteriorate...

I sat outside in the parking lot, trying to savor the last small sips of coffee. I was never one for school lunch, eating in front of people made me feel uncomfortable, though I can't say why.

I pulled out a well thumbed copy of Junji Ito's Gyo, pausing briefly to admire the cover of the young couple screaming at the dead eyed fish. I loved horror manga, the art inside was so unique and engaging.

The floating smell of death hangs over the island..

Before I could tune out the lunch time ruckus and dive into my book, I was sucked into the sweet murmurs of the girls that would cluster around campus, seeking a glimpse.

The Great King of Aobajohsai strolled past, a gaggle of admirers and subjects in tow.

It was interesting, my super power of invisibility. I tucked my legs neatly underneath me in the shadow of the building.   
Sitting alone.   
Staring outwards.   
For a half a second, I made eye contact with my older brother. He turned away, so carefully. Not a hint of recognition.

I was Kana, last name unknown. Girl unseen.

I had briefly tried to play the role of discarded young sister. I acted out. I picked vicious fights with girls who sought to get close to me in order to spend time with my brother.

Having a role didn't make me happy, it just made home and school equally difficult.

I was a novelty item now, an obscure piece of collector's knowledge, the point whisper combo of "Did you know that's Oikawa's sister?".

I buried my nose in my book.   
I didn't get lonely.   
I enjoyed my peace.


	4. Painting

I stepped back, observing the way the rain softened the edges of my home. It was a gentle, light wash- the kind of precipitation that makes you tilt your head up and declare "Oh, I think it's raining", without an overwhelming need to rush for cover or draw an umbrella.   
I let the rain collect in slender threads, winding down the front windows.   
The colors swished themselves around, spinning in layers, catching the occasional brush hair. I watched them soak into the linen canvas.

I loved to paint.

By the time I had arrived at Aobajohsai, they didn't have a formal art club, as there wasn't enough interest or funding. I was about a year too late.   
It was always, first and foremost, a school known for being an athletics powerhouse. Priorities lay in reputation.   
My freshman year I discovered that there was a small collective of upperclassmen that met in the home economics classroom to work along side each other, former members of the now disbanded club.   
The home ec teacher, Ms. Ito, had aspired to teach art. She was quite young for a faculty member and had taken the home economics class to gain more teaching experience, so she could move on to a better position.

That was about five years ago.   
Ms. Ito was not so sure about the prospect of mobility, anymore. It made her bitter, at times.   
I was the only one left in the informal club.

I really liked the young teacher. She wore her hair in a blunt, short cut. She enjoyed complaining about the administration and smoking out the classroom window after school hours.   
The best part of my day was dragging an easel out in the middle of the floor and propping up a canvas, watching her sit on the window sill in a hazy cloud.

We were really compatible, and both a bit lonely in the atmosphere the school catered to.

Ms. Ito was like a cool, older sister.   
I would always be grateful for her encouragement and advice.

"Oh my GOD. And you know the worst part of faculty meetings? Watanabe just talks and talks and talks. No one listens. Not a damn person. He develops these weirdly complex theories about the social strata of students. Like oh, the kids who are making the best grades in my class sit by the window. Should we move MORE desks closer to the window? I just want to take his round face in my hands and squeeze it until it pops."

I snorted, looking up from where I was putting in the grass detailing.

Ms. Ito swung her feet around from the window sill, coming to look at my work.   
She whistled, nodding.

"This is great. I like how you put the house in kind of a 2D perspective, but the environment around it has more depth. The light looks like it's coming from behind, rather than through the building. It's eerie. This is really, really good, Kana."

I beamed. Ms. Ito observed my painting for a second longer, then turned.   
"Put your final touches for the day on it, cuz I gotta kick you out. It's getting late. Remind me, though. I have something for you before you leave."

I packed up my materials, storing my painting and the easel. The sun hung low in the sky, like a buoy on the water at high tide.

"Here."   
Ms. Ito swung her bag over her shoulder, thrusting a pink sheet of paper into my hands.   
"You should do this. Seriously."

All Japan Youth Art Contest.

"You submit any work, and if you make it to the second round, you create a piece based off a prompt. The best pieces are shown together at the National Art Center in Tokyo. It's a good way to pick up some scholarships, too. I competed when I was your age."

I held the paper against my chest.

"I don't know if I..."

"It doesn't hurt to try, Kana. Your paintings deserve to be seen by people besides me. Think about it, ok?"

I promised her I would.


	5. The Boy

After fake art club, I had to wait for Tōru.   
Since he had become captain, the ending time of volleyball practice had grown less predictable. Tōru could work off of his and his team's whims for as long as he pleased, but wouldn't let me wait in the gym's bleachers.

During the harsh of summer or the dead of winter, I would sit in the car, sweating or freezing against the aging air conditioning.

The breeze brushed my skin and I shivered slightly. It was early fall, but the threat of frost was beginning to trouble me.   
I wouldn't be able to sit outside the gym for much longer.

I actually hadn't seen Tōru play since the beginning of junior high.   
He lost the game I was present at, and I had become a grotesque, bad luck charm in his eyes ever since.   
I knew he was good. Great, even.   
He had played on TV, been interviewed for magazines, and had driven up the popularity of volleyball at our school so that it was prized over all the other sports clubs.   
I wouldn't read the magazines or watch TV.   
Tōru clearly didn't want my support, so I refused to donate spare time to him.

I liked listening, though.   
There was a bench that leaned against the gym wall. I would sit there and listen to the faint celebrations of the team, the percussion of the ball hitting the floor.   
Sometimes, I would hear the edges of my brother's voice among the din.

He always sounded happy.

I rounded the corner, thumbing my book, preparing to read under the falling sun until Tōru and Iwaizumi were ready to go home.

Only, there was already someone occupying my spot.

An impossibly tall, thin boy in a dark turtle neck stood on the bench, peering through the low windows of the gym. He had unnaturally red hair. It stuck up in a myriad of directions, as though his head was shooting flames.

The boy clutched a note book in between his spidery fingers. He would bob his head up, study the gym's occupants, then duck down to write something.

_What the..._

He was so absorbed in his work, he didn't notice until I was right along side of him.

"What are you doing?"

"EAAGHH!"  
He jump with surprise, losing his tip toe footing. I instinctively reached out, pushing him back into his balance. He looked at me wildly, but quickly regained composure to stare me down, coolly.   
"I'm not doing anything."

My breath caught in my chest.   
Up close, his eyes were a sleepless, glinting amber in the low light. They took me in as he turned, his shoulders spread neatly, tapering down to a narrow waist. The boy's thin smile carried enough humor to offset the strange, intelligent wickedness that radiated from him.   
He was haunting.   
I had never seen him before.

"Who are you?"   
I blurted out, instantly embarrassed.

"Don't worry about it."

The boy rudely returned to his note taking process, ignoring me.   
This only made me more curious.

"Do you even go to school here?"

"Mmmm. Yes." He didn't even turn around, fixated on the movement beyond the window.   
"Who do you have for homeroom?", I challenged.

The boy turned, giving me a withering look.   
It was a bit frightening.   
"You got me, I don't go to school here."

"Oh, so you're a creeper.", I rolled my eyes, taking out my phone, internally steadying my heart beat. This wasn't the first time some weirdo had shown up to admire the volleyball team, though he was the most interesting looking weirdo I had encountered.

"What are you doing with your phone?"

I shrugged, "Calling campus security."

I was actually looking at Twitter, but this usually got people to fuck off.

Before I knew what was happening, he whisked my phone out of my hands, holding it above my head, "I'd prefer if you didn't."

"What the fuck, man!"   
I jumped up, trying to snatch it back.

Stupid shitty brother absorbing all the genes for height in our family.

The boy gently moved the position of his hand, leaving me grasping at air. My face lit up with embarrassment.  
His smile deepened.   
"Think fast."   
He lightly tossed my phone, slightly above my head. I stepped back, catching it, nearly dropping it.   
"Nice reflexes."  
It was a drippingly irritating tease, one that struck a nerve with me.   
"What's your fucking problem, huh?

The boy was already back in his notes, "No problems here."

"Scoot over."  
I stood up on the bench with him, looking through the window, but all my height allowed was a view of the team's ankles.   
I carefully reached behind, attempting to pluck the notebook dangling from his fingers.   
Without even turning to look at me, he switched it to his other hand, "You're funny."

"What's in the notebook?"

He flicked his large eyes towards me, catching me off guard.   
"I'm on a research mission for a friend."

"What kind of research mission?"

"Hmmm, a competitive research mission."

The pieces fell into place.   
His build, height, and reflexes. The general air of obnoxiousness.   
He was obviously a volleyball player.   
I sat down on the bench, uninterested now.   
I opened to a page of my book.   
"What team are you from?", I muttered, just wanting to be right at this point.   
It was strange to me when people (besides his ridiculous harem) were interested in my brother.   
The boy who spent upwards of 30 minutes on his hair was considered threatening in some circles.

"I'm from- oh.. Clever. You got me!", he sighed, grinning. "I can't tell you, though. Wouldn't be good if we had word get out about spying. I just wanted to see if Aobajohsai was worth all the circulation in conversation it's acquired, lately."   
I picked up his obvious distaste for our team in his voice.

I brought my knees into my chest, "I promise you, I don't care. Look all you want. Take pictures, even."

I could feel the weight of his confused stare pressing into my back.   
I flipped the page.

"Is that _Gyo?"_

In a flash, the boy crouched next to me, sticking his head over my shoulder.

"Yeah."

His mouth opened into a vacuous smile, "I looove Junji Ito. The art style makes me feel so.."   
He wrapped his long arms over his shoulders, squeezing himself tight.   
"Have you read Uzumaki?"

I nodded, a bit taken aback with his sudden engagement.   
"Did you see the animation of it?"   
Before I could finish my nod, he clapped his hands to his face, "Wasn't it INCREDIBLE."

"Yeah, I really loved it. The music was cool, too."   
A grin split his face.   
"I KNOW. Are you a Shintaro Kago fan?"

I nodded. I didn't know anyone else with such an articulate interest in horror manga. He continued his questions with machine gun precision.   
"Did you read his latest series, Dementia 21?"  
"I actually haven't, yet."   
I ducked my head, sheepish.   
When I looked back up, there was a book stuck under my nose.

"Borrow it. Then, we can talk about it."

I frowned, "I'm not taking your book. I don't even know who the fuck you are."  
"I'm Tenduo." He shrugged, unbothered.   
I accepted the book, hesitantly.   
"I'm Kana."

He unraveled himself from his crouching pose, sitting next to me. Whether he was aware or not of our physical closeness, I didn't know. I felt magnetized, I wanted to draw myself into him and learn more. Maybe it was the suddenness, the beautiful illusion of coincidence under which we met.

Maybe it was because he reeked of trouble.

"That's an interesting last name."

"It's actually my first name."

"How informal of you," he chuckled. "Do you have a last name?"

I paused, thinking.   
Tenduo cocked an eyebrow.

"No, I don't."

He snorted, "Ok."

Tenduo stood back up, resting his chin on the divot before the window.

"It's nice to meet you, Kana No-Name."

Kana No-Name. I liked that.


	6. Laying, Thinking

I kept thinking about him, the abrupt chance of our meeting. I had already dissected, framed, and memorialized the moment.

No. I did not talk to boys often, and when I did, they responded to me on an less than frequent basis.

I knew I getting ahead of myself.   
He was, after all, a volleyball player.   
I kept thinking about the way he looked at me, that dawn of wonder and excitement in his gaze.   
Tenduo.  
Ten-du-o.

Tenduo no first name.

Infatuation made me skeptic.   
In middle school, I had a crush on a boy named Tobio on Tōru's team. He was a grade below me, but I was young for my class.   
He was sweet, awkward, quiet- with a passion for volleyball that matched my brother's.   
After practice, I would show him my sketches as Tōru cleaned up. Tobio would look with wide eyes, his face red as he poured over the paper. We matched each other elegantly in our shyness.

I worked for a nearly a week, a long time for my little hands and short attention, on a drawing of a cow to give to him.

When I tried to speak to him after practice, clutching my precious gift to my chest, he ignored me.

He kept ignoring me.

I found out later that Tōru had pulled some shit during practice, though to this day I am not exactly sure what he did.   
Whatever it was, it inspired a deep hatred that extended to family.

It wasn't that I was head over heels with Tobio. It was just a tiny middle school crush.   
It wouldn't have worked out anyways, he came out in high school and has acquired a very cute boyfriend, who I think is on the same team as him from the pictures I've seen floating around.

What matters to me in the situation is how I felt.

The rejection was painful, and like most things in my life, it was my stupid brother's fault.

Tenduo would probably fuck off when he found out who I actually was.

I was huddled under the covers with Dementia 21 when I heard a

THWACK   
wooooosh   
THWACK   
wooosh

coming from outside. I checked my phone, it was about 3 in the morning.

Not this again.

I emerged from my haven among the covers, going to the window.   
My brother was in the backyard, throwing the volleyball up and hitting it into the fence.   
He aimed at the same spot each time, making contact on the knot in the wood grain.   
It was a repetitive, powerful motion.

Tōru's face was screwed in concentration, but his eyes were blank.   
I wondered what was up with him...

"HEY."

I surprised him, causing him to lose his rhythm. The ball hit him in the chest as it bounced off the wall. I stuck my head out the window, yelling, "PUT THE BALL AWAY AND GO TO BED, FLAT ASS."

"I DON'T LISTEN TO UGLY PEOPLE."

He moved his arm like he was going to launch the volleyball into my face.

I yelped, ducking.


	7. Book Club

"What's with the face on your face?"  
"My face?"   
"No, you're doing a face with your face."  
"I'm not."

Ms. Ito looked at me quizzically from where she sat on her desk.   
"Girl or boy?"

I could barely focus on my painting.   
Was it that obvious?   
I had spent the day reading Dementia 21 under my desk. It was devilishly funny and absurdly creepy. I hoped Tenduo would be around the gym today so I could give it back to him.   
He hadn't established when I would see him again, or if-  
I felt like a child.   
"It's not like that."

My teacher laughed, "What's it like, then?"

I shrugged, "I just met some weirdo volleyball player who gave me a book to borrow."   
"Is he cute?"   
"He's tall."   
"So, yes."

I snorted, returning to my canvas, but my fingers ached with a different kind of anticipation.   
I did not like it.   
"Are you sure though, another volleyball player? Don't you have enough of those running around?"

She was right.   
Tōru was getting interviewed for _something_ today and he had to come up with a volleyball- related motto.   
I spent the morning sitting outside our bathroom door, waiting to be let in, as he yelled different phrases through the wall.   
He wasn't asking for my advice, it didn't matter what I thought.

He just wanted to hear himself talk.

Tōru ended up deciding on, "If you're gonna hit, hit it till it breaks!"   
There was something weirdly erotic about that, but I neglected to tell him.

"It's really not anything. I honestly don't know anything about him."

The words sank into me. Stupid Kana, developing strange crushes on anyone who gave her attention. Was it a crush? Or an interest? A morbid curiosity?

I exhausted myself.

Ms. Ito shook her head, her short hair swishing around the frame of her face.   
"You are the most worried carefree person I have met. Just enjoy whatever you're feeling for awhile, I think it's sweet."

It was sweet, a little bit. I don't know. I was conflicted.   
I felt like things would change if he knew who I was related to.

"That reminds me, I took the liberty of submitting your painting to that contest because I knew that you would overthink it and end up missing out."

I dropped the brush, "You WHAT?"

Ms. Ito just laughed, "Trust me. It's all going to be fine. I saved you quite a bit of paperwork, too. You can't take it back now, you're in the running."

My face burned with embarrassment, but I felt a flash of excitement tear through my stomach.   
There was strange anticipation growing within me, a great and overwhelming desire.   
It's not like I knew the judges, or they knew me.  
That's how I liked it.

"Kana No-Name!"

I felt nauseous. There he was, leaning against the side of the gym, a dark green sweater hanging loosely from his thin frame.   
There was no denying that his lilting, sing song voice perfectly matched the unique beauty of his face.   
I wanted to down a bottle of pesticide to exterminate the butterflies in my stomach, but I feel like that may have more of an intense effect on my body than desired.

"Hi, I read the-"

He cut me off, lightly taking my hand and holding it up in the light, examine the swipe of acrylics that ran against the edge of my sleeve.

"Are you an artist?"

My hand became an electric place. I felt a jolt from the contact, one that spread through my whole body and filled me with an overwhelming warmth.

I quickly pulled away from him, "No."

"So you just get blue paint on your hands for fun?"

"Absolutely."

That made him laugh. I could hear the click, the movement of my brother's team.   
"Are you a coffee person?"   
Tenduo arched an eyebrow. I found myself nodding vigorously.   
"I'm a big coffee person, why?"  
He leaned back, bending impossibly far. From the way he moved, one could perceive his body was made of some kind is supple, stretchy material, as opposed to skin.   
"Oh, thank god."

He picked up two to go cups from where he had set them in the grass that I hadn't noticed.   
"I didn't know what you liked. One is coffee, one is hot chocolate. Honestly, I really wanted the hot chocolate, so I'm glad you're enthusiastic about coffee.", he snorted, pressing the cup into my hands.

My mouth made a small "o".

"I wanted us to be able to have a proper book club!"

We sat, facing each other in the grass, discussing what we thought of the story and of the main character, Yukie, finding that we had all the same favorite passages.

I felt myself slide out of my head and into the open, being present with him, listening, watching the way his mouth moved or the way his hands excitedly gestured.

A loud cheer erupted from the gym, causing him and I to turn.   
"Not doing any spying today?"

"No.. The player I'm interested in, their setter, he's not there for some reason."

I felt the air push out of my lungs, slowly, like a pin that had been stuck into a balloon.

"He's-", I started, muttering darkly. Then, I backpedaled.   
"I heard, from someone, that's he's interviewing for something today."

Tenduo threw his arms back, laying in the grass with a huff.

"How tedious. His interviews are funny, though. He's a great player, but they may be a bit more interested in his face."

Tenduo flipped on to his stomach, looking up at me.   
"I'm a pretty good player, myself. But you won't catch a feature on me in Volley Monthly... I did make it into a photo, once, though."

He pulled out his phone, scrolling through the camera roll. Tenduo turned the screen to face me and I saw the gloss of magazine paper.

A broad shouldered, stern looking boy with a maroon number one blazoned across his chest glared the camera down, his arms crossed.   
Tenduo tapped the upper right corner of the photos.

He was sitting in the bleachers, a massive smile stretched across his face, holding his arms up above his head, making peace signs.

I giggled.

_Ew, I don't giggle._

"Do you know him? Oikawa?"

Did I ever..

"Yeah. Kind of."   
"Is he as much of a dick off the court as he is on?"

His words caught me off guard. I guess I supposed that everyone adored my brother, I never thought the attention he received may come as an irritation to players from other schools.   
It made sense.

I looked Tenduo in the eyes, lowering my chin solemnly. "He's awful."

Tenduo turned on his back, laughing. His sweater rode up, his toned stomach-   
No. Nope.   
_This is not the kind of person I am._

"Why do you stay so late after school?"   
"I have a club meeting. Well, kind of a club. I'm the only member.", I said, suddenly self conscious. It was a half truth.

"Do you paint during the club?"

Tenduo traced a finger along the inside of my wrist. I shivered.

"Yeah."

We talked as the moon rose, until it was dark and we couldn't see each other. I felt him laying beside me, the heat from his body mixed with the aromatic smell of my coffee. I sat with my knees folded under me, but I longed to stretch out next to him.   
Tōru texted me that they were finishing up, so I pretended like I needed to leave.   
Tenduo stood up, then offered me a hand, pulling me with him.   
I stumbled slightly, brushing against his chest.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

"As delightful as it is to see you by chance when I sneak on to my rival school's campus, I was wondering.. if."

Tenduo blinked, looking down, sheepishly.

"If I could get your number.   
I'm sorry, if that's too forward, I know that- well! You're just-"

My heart leaped from the pit of my stomach to my throat.   
I'm glad it was dark, so he couldn't see how hard I blushed.

I took his phone out of his hand, grinning.  
This was the first time a boy had ever asked for my number.

I watched Tenduo slink off into the darkness, his hair catching the light.   
He promised to text me soon.

I circled towards my car, then crept back to the gym after he was gone. Tōru pushes open the doors, Iwaizumi following.

"It's a dumb motto and it sounds creepy."   
"IWA-CHAN!"

Iwaizumi spotted me, holding up a hand. Tōru wrinkled his nose.

"Why does your face look like that? You're all red."

I turned, my mood soured. "Not your business."

I drove them home, listening to Tōru recount his experience being interviewed as Iwaizumi listened somewhat politely.   
"I just panicked. I told them my favorite food was milk bread. It just slipped out, milk bread! I can't remember the last time I even ate that, do you think people will-"'

I collapsed on to my bed, staring up at the ceiling.   
My phone buzzed. I opened it, reading a new message from an unknown number. I let my phone fall on my chest as a smile took me.

**Kana No-Name!**   
**Did you get home**   
**ok?**

**↑** **_( ΦwΦ; )Ψ**


	8. Star Federation

I was 7 and Tōru was 8.

We trekked through the swampy planet of LivingRoomLandia.

"Captain!", Tōru whispered, wearing a vegetable strainer on his head as a helmet.   
He saluted me, I saluted back.   
"Yes, lieutenant?"   
"Scanners show that this swamp has high levels of, uh, Momsters! And the only way to get to the fuel source is to walk through on foot!"

I placed my small hands on his shoulders.   
"Lieuntant. We have no other choice! If we can't get the message to the general, the Star Federation will be finished! Keep your ray gun at the ready."

I took the lead, making a finger gun, walking slowly through the great purple couch cushion canyons.   
Tōru followed behind, hesitantly, looking out for potential dangers.   
"Look! The fuel!"   
He pointed across the room into our kitchen. There was a plate of sesame cookies sitting out of the table.   
I nodded, "Good work, lieutenant! There's no momsters in sight.. but we still have to be careful."

I put out my non finger gun hand, taking his. We stepped together as if we were not bound by normal rules of gravity- giant, slow motions.

_Almost there..._

Suddenly- a sneak attack! Our mother jumped out from behind the couch and scooped me up into the air.   
We shrieked in surprise and delight.   
"CAPTAIN, NOOOO!", Tōru cried.   
My mother held me up in the air, "I have captured Captain Kana of the Star Federation! Mwahahahah!"   
I held out my hand to my my brother.   
"Lieutenant! It's all up to you now! Get the fuel! Save the galaxy!"

He jumped on the couch, brandishing his 'gun'.

"Not without you, Captain! I'm going to save you!"

"Not if I get you first!", my mother said, gleefully. She held me under her arm and began to chase Tōru around the house. Every few minutes, he would turn around, gesturing at her with his finger gun.   
"Pew! Pew pew! Pew! Get back, Momster!  
Give me back my sister!"

He stopped, clinging to our mother's legs until he defeated her.

After, we had cookies, and our mother let us build a little telescope out of an extra paper towel roll.

When you're young, the good memories you make are stickier, whereas the bad ones get buried.   
I don't know.   
I would like to examine the entirety of that period, but the only person with whom I shared the experience with was Tōru.   
Memories require exchange in order to be preserved. I wish he wasn't so busy, so determined.   
Or maybe I wish I was busier, like him.

I woke up feeling a little sad, a little sick. The memory-as-dream clung to the corners of my sleep fogged brain in cobwebs.   
There was a cough collecting in my throat.   
In the room adjacent, I heard Tōru's alarm go off.   
Another day, another morning.


	9. Cereal War

"Stay back! Stay back, you fucking rat!"   
I was standing on the kitchen counter, brandishing a kitchen knife at my brother, clutching the box of cereal to my chest.   
He swiped at me with his long arms, trying to knock me off, but he couldn't reach.

"Kana, give me the cereal right now."   
"I had it first!"   
"I deserve it, I'm a GROWING BOY."   
"Just because you get EVERYTHING does not mean you can have MY CEREAL."

This non unique situation began while Tōru was still in the bathroom, I had set about making breakfast for myself.   
There was enough corn flakes for one person. My bowl was on the verge of being poured, when Tōru came in and took it out of my hands, casually.   
I swiped the box back just as he realized there was only a bit left, catching him off guard.

Tōru chased me all over the living room, causing me to stub my fucking toe on the kitchen table.

"Kana, GIVE IT."   
"Why do you think you get to have it? I had the box FIRST."

He picked a pillow, launching it towards my face with the force of... well, with the force of someone who was on track to becoming a successful pro athlete.

I turned quickly, though it still hit the back of my head like a brick.   
"SHITTYKAWA!"

We looked at each other for half a second, collecting our breath. Then, he ran full force at me from the living room to the kitchen with an evil look in his eye.

I screamed and jumped on the counter, pulling the kitchen knife from the wall.

It was then our father walked in. Usually, he was long gone for work at this point.   
Tōru and I froze.   
Him, mid scream.   
Me, standing on the kitchen counter, holding a knife.

Our father looked exhausted.   
His tie sat loosely at his throat.   
I watched the creases on his forehead deepen as he took us in.   
"Good morning, dad.", I mumbled.   
"Ya-hoo!", Tōru said cheerfully, a faux shift away from the boy who was just trying to harm me over cereal.

"Kana, give your brother the cereal."   
He turned away, going towards the door.

"What- why? I had the box first.", I stuttered.

"He needs a good breakfast."

Tōru snatched the box, victoriously.

I sat down on the counter.   
Our dad gave me a look, a _don't start_ kind of look, and walked out the front door.

Another typical morning in the Oikawa household.

I poured myself a cup of coffee, watching as Tōru poured the milk into the bowl _before_ putting the cornflakes in.   
Disgusting.

Then, I felt a buzz in my pocket.   
I took my phone out.

**KANA NO NAME!**  
**Good morning !!**

I smiled, softly.   
We had been constantly texting the past couple of days.   
I was developing a small encyclopedia of information about Tenduo. His favorite movie was The Ring. He loved horror as much as I did, the only thing that truly scared him was isolation. He liked sugary things, especially chocolate, and detested vegetables with a childlike reverence. He had a fascination with reptiles and could rattle off unique facts about lizards with surprising speed. Tenduo lived in a dorm at his school, which he enjoyed, because it allowed him to be closer to his friends. He couldn't drive, he could never find matching pairs of socks, his favorite color was red, he religiously read Shōnen Jump, he was exactly 6'2", he preferred forests to the beach, he had-

"Who texted you?"

Tōru leaned over the table.   
I scooted away, "Why?"   
He shrugged, "You're just grinning all weird. It's creepy."   
Tōru slurped the cereal, obnoxiously.   
I scowled.


	10. The Phone Call

"Oh, I didn't see you."

My iced coffee spilled all over the pavement, catching my skirt enough to stain.

I looked up at the girl who had kicked it over, irritated. I was sitting in my little lunch corner, rereading Dementia 21.   
She laughed, leaning into her friends shoulder.   
Her friend grabbed her wrist, pulling her away, but I could still hear them.

"Do you know who that is?"   
"No, who?"   
"That's Oikawa's sister."   
"Oh my god, should I go apologize for kicking her drink?"   
"No, I heard they aren't like close or anything. It's not a big deal."

_Great._

Sometimes, I was very interested in banging my head against the wall.   
My phone buzzed and a smooth wave of relief washed over me.

**Are you in lunch**   
**right now?**

I felt embarrassed at my own giddiness for receiving a text from him.

**yessir**

Was that weird? Was that a weird response?   
I hated this.

**Can I call you?**

My heart caught in my throat. That _was_ weird. Why did he want to call me? The phone rang before I could even respond.   
I hesitantly received the call, "Hey, Tenduo!"   
The phone spat static at me, until his voice came through with clarity.   
"I figured! It would be best to call, because I wanted to be formal, or polite, oh god-Wakkun STOP looking at me."   
I crinkled my brow, "What?"   
Tenduo cursed at the other end of the call. I repressed a chuckle.   
"No, no, not you. Sorry, my friend is sitting across the table from me."   
I laughed, "Ok."   
"Anyways, I was wondering, possibly, Kana No-Name.."

A voice cut through the call, seemingly yelling from behind Tenduo. "YOU DON'T KNOW HER LAST NAME?"   
"GOSHIKI, I do NOT know why you would come to our lunch table at such a critical moment unless you're looking to borrow a bowl so you can trim your bangs."   
"HEY!"

Tenduo huffed, "Sorry. Again."   
My pulse was erratic, "What were you wondering?"

There was a pause, a dead space on the line. It was only seconds, but it felt infinite.

"I've really liked texting with you for the past couple days, and I think you're a very cool, smart, pretty human being, and I was wondering, possibly, if you would maybe want to go on a _date_ date with me?"

A date _date?_  
 _A date, date, date?_  
I felt so hopeless and curious.   
I felt soft and gummy.   
I had manifested the idea of going on a date with some boy since I was small. I thought it was some great quest, some miraculous chance thing that it _could_ happen. That someone _could_ like me- and like me for me at that. It had been deemed impossible for so long, I had shelved the idea with other fantasies like discovering buried treasure or owning a unicorn.   
Tenduo was utterly fascinating, all forbidden charm and strange quirks.   
He was forward, exciting. He spoke his mind easily. He was easy to talk to and _he was pretty fucking cute._

"I would love to go on a date with you."

There was a chorus of cheers, definitely more voices than just his, on the other end of the line.   
We agreed to work out the details later, and as soon as the call ended, I launched into a rampant succession of neurotic worries.  
What do I wear?   
What if he held my hand and my palms got sweaty?   
What if, in the middle of our date, there was an earthquake and we-

I took a deep breath, quieting my mind.   
Ms. Ito was right, I should just enjoy this.

A pretty boy liked me. I liked him.   
I liked liking him.  
My smile couldn't be restrained.   
Somehow, I had stumbled into the remote and human possibility of my first date.


	11. Date Prep

Tenduo was going to take the train over to my school and together we would go to the location he had planned, though he would not tell me where that was.   
It was all very secretive and exciting.   
I had changed out of my school uniform and into a pair of jeans and a shirt. Last night, I had circulated through about twelve different outfits before settling on the basics, feeling very self conscious. The clothes had been stuffed in my bag all day, so they were pretty wrinkled. When I walked back into the Home Ec room, Ms. Ito gave me a critical look.

"What?"

She beckoned me over, smoothing my hair. She seized her purse and extracted a tube of lip gloss, handing it to me.   
"I don't-"   
"Trust me."

I put it on, looking at my face in the selfie camera. I seemed brighter, more put together.   
I realized with a small jolt that I felt pretty.

"What's this?"

Ms. Ito pointed at a silver chain that rested on my collar bone. She fished it out with her pointer finger, revealing a small charm of a moon. I felt an unshakable ache looking at the pendant. The little moon glinted, catching the fluorescents in a metallic glow.

"It was a gift from my mom."

My teacher's face softened, and she nodded. "It's very pretty."

I held the charm up in my hand, feeling the cool metal burn in my palm. I usually kept it tucked below my shirt, resting in the alcove of my collarbone, but I could use a little light tonight.

"Oh, and this!", Ms. Ito handed me a stick of gum. "Just in case... you know."   
My face burned bright red. She put her hands up, defensively.

I was nearly 18 and I hadn't been kissed.

I wasn't an intentional late bloomer. Through the combined powers of my older brother and my combative personality, most boys perceived me unavailable.

I wondered what it would be like.

I was suddenly inundated with anxiety, my stomach twisted and grinded itself into a pulp. I didn't have someone, some girl friend or otherwise with whom I could confide this experience in...or at least beg advice from.   
I looked down at my necklace.

"Hey."   
Ms. Ito fixed me with her tired, kind eyes.   
"Are you nervous?"

"No!"   
I blurted out too quickly, too obviously.   
She laughed on a half exhale and leaned back over her desk.   
"It's ok if you are."

I wiped my sweaty palms against my pants, incredulous.   
"Really?"

The older woman smiled dryly.   
"Of course. Being nervous is great. It means you're doing something new and important, and everything in our lives would be stupidly dull if we never tried anything, don't you think?"

I shrugged, "I guess. I just wish I didn't feel so icky inside."

Ms. Ito rolled her eyes, "Eh, that nervous feeling is really just like.. uhh.. spicy excitement!"

Laughter bubbled out of me and I felt the tension in my muscles loosen, slow and lethargic.   
I was definitely, very, absolutely excited.

I flipped my phone over. It would be thirty whole minutes until Tenduo got here.   
Ms. Ito suggested I should work on my house painting to distract myself.   
I dragged out the easel and paints and allowed my mind to float beyond the stress of the present.   
I entered the front yard of the oil landscape, feeling painted blades of grass lick at my heels, saccharine and drifting. They were forever pulled in an invisible wind that brushed westward, and I with them. I tilted my chin towards the soft yellow that framed the vacant home, that hacylon glaze that existed just outside the edge of the wooden frame, almost like a cherub's halo. It warmed me from the tips of my toes to the edge of my fingertips.

I really, really did love to paint.

The click of soft heels pulled me from my artist's trance.

"I found somebody very lost among the hallways on my trip to the teacher's lounge."

I peered around the edge of the canvas, and there he was, my amorous subject.   
Tenduo wore a maroon cable knit sweater, with a dark shirt peeking just over the neckline. It was rather large on him and he had cuffed it at his hands.   
My heart was a devilish creature, trying to claw its way out of my chest and go on some frantic scurry, but as soon as he smiled at me, the little animal fell into peaceful attention.

_Nervousness is just spicy excitement._   
_Nervousness is just spicy excitement._

_"_ You liar, I knew you were in art club!", he smirked. I blushed violently, very aware of the placement of the brush in my hand.   
"Unofficial art club.", Ms. Ito coughed, correcting him. He smiled at her, apologetic. When he turned away from my teacher, she raised her eyebrows at me and shot me a thumbs up.

"Is it ok, if I see what you're working on? It's totally fine if not, I understand-"

I beckoned him over.   
I watched him take in my painting. He studied it for a long time, leaning in close, really truly examining the work.   
I felt very bare. I couldn't remember the last time I let someone look at my art.   
It felt secret, guarded. My own.   
As I watched the light gather in his face, though, I felt an overwhelming sense of okayness.   
Finally, Tenduo turned to me, his eyes wide with awe.

"This is incredible, Kana."

I blushed warmly, "Thanks."

Ms. Ito offered to clean up for me so that we could go ahead and get on with our adventure, which I gratefully accepted. I grabbed my backpack.

"Ready to go?"

Tenduo cocked his head to the side. I nodded, and together we exited the classroom into the low orange glow of the sunset.


	12. Sunmall Ichibano

"Turn left here! No wait, wait, wait, RIGHT!"

I swerved quickly, laughing. Tenduo was a terrible GPS. We were driving in downtown Sendai, the lights of the city glinting through my car windows. He directed me to a parking garage and graciously paid the meter, despite my protests.   
I followed him through the narrow, winding streets. I had always loved the journey to the central part of the city.   
Sendai, though modern and sprawling, had been rebuilt with ample natural space after the bombings in World War II. It was  
affectionately called the City of Trees by both locals and travel blogs. In December, thousands of tiny lights would be placed within the branches for Hikari no pejento, or, the Pageant of Starlight. I absentmindedly brought my hand to the little moon charm around my neck. The last time I had gone to the illumination ceremony had been with my mom and Toru, many years ago. 

Tenduo had to duck his head as we passed under an overreaching zelkova to avoid being smacked by one of the tree's limbs. The movement brought him closer to me and my heart leapt a little.

We talked about our day, about his train ride, musing over little things like the tests we had, and Tenduo's exhausting early morning volleyball practice. Finally, we entered a walkway with a high glass ceiling, the Ichibano Sunmall.

Tenduo spread his arms wide, "Tada! We're here!"

He immediately dropped his hands, folding them self consciously. "It's kind of a lame spot, but I thought we could do some of the arcade games together, maybe get a little bit of dinner, I honestly haven't, like, planned a date before, if you have any other ideas-"

I hadn't realized he was as nervous as me. A weight lifted off my chest.   
"No, this is perfect."

I walked forward into the mall, turning to grin at him. "Don't expect me to go easy on you though, I'm killer at arcade games."   
A huge smile spread across Tenduo's face.   
It was disarming, beautiful.   
The bright lights of the mall brought new color into his pale face. I wanted to look at him forever, but instead I just laughed. The sound bubbled out of me, genuine and normal.   
"What?", he cocked his head to the side.

"Nothing. I'm just really happy. C'mon."

An hour later, we were crouched over a Sanrio claw machine, holding our breath.   
"Oh my god."   
"Shhhh."   
"OH MY GOD. You've almost-"   
"KANA! Don't jinx it!"

The claw held a Kuromi plush, aka My Melody's goth girlfriend. Tenduo slowly, carefully maneuvered it into the deposit, dropping the stuffed animal. We leapt back from the machine, cheering loudly, earning some rude stares from the other patrons. I blushed, but Tenduo didn't seem to care. He retireved Kuromi, handing her to me.   
"For you."   
I held it tightly to my chest, "We should have joint custody over it." Tenduo paused, making a grand display of thinking it over. "Ok. Weekdays at yours, weekends at mine."   
I nodded, solemnly.   
"We must raise this child to have excellent values and a sharp moral compass."   
Tenduo agreed. "Look at it, though. It's so cute. I don't know if I'm up to task of discipline. What if I'm a bad father to it? Look at those eyes! I could never say no."   
I snorted with laughter.   
"Seriously, though. I don't know anyone who's actually won something from one of the bigger machines before."   
Tenduo shrugged, stretching his arms behind his head. "They don't call me Miracle Boy Satori for nothin."   
I arched an eyebrow playfully, "Who calls you that?"

"Ahhh, don't shame me. I call myself that. But! It's true!"   
I looked down at the Kuromi, then back up at him, "I suppose it is." 

After I had beaten Tenduo in all the other games, except for the ones he cheated in, we went to find some food. Neither of us were quite hungry. We joked about having equally small appetites as we shared some meat on a stick from a street vendor, sitting on a bench within a circle of trees sprouting from the concrete. Once we finished discussing who looked more like our dear plush child Kuromi (she had my nose and Tenduo's chin), we fell into a comfortable silence, listening as cars moved past our grove, the mechanic whirring of the city at night.

I snuck a glance at Tendou as he gazed serenely towards the sky.   
It would've been futile to quantify the way he looked in that moment. I decided to skip the agenda of description and embrace the wonder of this strange, funny person who had taken me on such a simple but exciting evening.

I couldn't remember the last time I had had this much fun. 

"Hey, Kana?"

His voice had an endearingly smooth texture

"Yeah, Tenduo?"

He dipped his head, embarrassed, bringing his knees up to his chest, folding his hands. "Would you wanna go on another date with me soon?"

I didn't even have to think about my response, "I would love to."

Tendou sprang up, standing on top of the park bench, holding his arms up in a victory pose. "YeeeAS!" A family walking by looking towards the noise and Tendou waved happily at them, "She's gonna go on another date with me!"   
The mother laughed, giving him a thumbs up. "Congratulations?"   
I took a breath, a little bit of Tendou's confidence, and yelled "Thank you!"   
The mother laughed.

When they passed, Tenduo hopped down from the bench, landing neatly. "Ready to go?", I asked. It had gotten pretty late and we both still had schoolwork to do. Tenduo nodded. "Wait, wait. Can you hold this really quick?"

I brought my palm up to receive whatever it was and Tenduo laced his fingers into mine.

I could feel his elevated pulse through the touch, and I'm sure he could feel my heart racing at an equal speed. We fit together nicely, his long and nimble fingers carefully wrapped around my palm. It was such a small action, but I was overwhelmed with feeling.

I squeezed his hand and he squeezed mine back, the energy passing between us.

"My friend Semi told me to say that. He was joking, I think he wanted me to embarrass myself, but I'm glad it worked." Tenduo said softly, a small hint of laughter creeping into the edge of his voice. We walked back to my car. Before he released me from his grasp, Tenduo absentmindedly traced a small circle on the interior of my palm, sending shivers through my whole being.   
I dropped him off at the nearby station, though I wished we could've spent just a bit more time together.

"Bye, Kana No-Name! Text me when you get home safe!"

I waved a goodbye, watching his red hair disappear from view. As soon as he was gone, a yell bubbled up in me. I gripped my steering wheel, impossibly giddy, feeling so, so, so full.

My first date. My first ever date.

I flipped on the classic rock station, jamming out with a reckless abandon all the way home.


	13. Why Do You Care?

"Good morning, Ugly."

I nearly jumped out of my own skin. Toru was sitting at our dining room table, already dressed, in the dim shadow of morning. He folded his hands in front of him and gestured for me to sit.   
I ignored him and began making myself some coffee, rubbing sleep from my eyes.

"Where were you last night?"

I flicked my eyes in his direction, glaring, "Why do you care?"   
Toru leaned over the table, smiling maliciously.   
"Because. I. Had. To. Walk. All the way. Home. In the dark. In the cold."  
The kettle hissed.   
I poured the hot water into my cup, mixing in the instant espresso we kept in the cupboard.

"Okay, and?"

"Dad got you the car on the condition you would drive me where I needed."  
I slurped my coffee, causing my brother to wrinkle his nose in disgust at the sound.   
"It might come as a surprise, but my life does not revolve around you. Sometimes, I have my own things to do", I said.

Toru laughed, "Oh, really? Like what?"

"Stuff."

I sat on top of the kitchen counter, letting my feet dangle as my brother silently fumed.   
We observed each other in silence for awhile. I wondered if he was going to throw a tantrum.   
"You've been acting different lately.", Toru stated, looking away.

Had I?   
It was possible.   
Everyday was a lot more exciting now. I still was all warm and fuzzy from the night I had had. Not even Shittykawa could ruin that for me. I felt like I had something to really look forward to in each day. There's a kind of beautiful anticipation in new relationships. The smallest things Tenduo did, every little text and gesture, produced mass flocks of butterflies inside my body. Woah, woah. Relationship?   
It had just been one date, I reminded myself.   
I shrugged Toru's comment off as my phone buzzed.

_Speak of the devil..._

Tenduo had sent me a photo of the Kuromi plush propped up like it was reading the latest edition of Shonen Jump.

**Goooood morning !**

**im starting Kuromi's**   
**education off right**

I grinned. It was really cute how nerdy he could be. I liked how there were so many different facets of him, so-

"Why are you smiling at your phone?"

Toru got up from his place at the table, hovering closer.

"Meme", I lied.

"Let me see."

"No."

I held my device up and away from my brother, so that he couldn't read my texts.

**Good morning to you too**

**what is she readin**

**One piece, obv**

**only the great classics**

Toru leaned across the counter, trying to grab my phone from my hand.   
"Who are you texting?"  
"It's literally not your business."   
He lunged at me again.   
I darted backwards, locking my device. "Who are you texting??"   
"Ohmygod, Toru! Why do you care?"

My brother seemed to short circuit for a minute. He stopped, as if holding back his response. I could see the gears turning in his little head as he tried to formulate something to say. When he was unable to find his words, Toru sprang at me, wrestling my phone from my hand, holding it over my head.

I launched my body upwards, trying to grab it,   
"GIVE IT BACK."   
"Tell me what your passcode is and I will."

Toru danced away from me, dangling the phone over my head, using all six feet of his height to his advantage.   
I hated it when he did this.   
I swiped blindly at the air. He held the device up high, typing furiously, trying to guess my passcode while evading my attempts at recapture.

"GIVE IT BACK."

"You should go get dressed, we'll be late to school."

"Give me. my phone. back."

I slammed into him, trying unsuccessfully to knock him off balance. He timed out the passcode guesses, locking my phone for a minute. Toru frowned, then placed the phone on top of the fridge where I couldn't get it, backing away. He was holding back laughter, which just made me more annoyed. I gave him a glare of determination and climbed on top of the kitchen counter. I held one of the counter doors as support, trying to lean from my unstable foothold over to the top of the fridge, inching my fingers closer and closer across the dusty top of the refrigerator.

"You're going to fall, Kana."

"Yeah, well-"

I stood on the tips of my toes, closer, nearly grabbing it. Just a bit farther.. I leaned further, grabbing my phone, but I felt myself slip.

"Kana!"

My brother stepped forward as if to do... something.. but I caught myself on the edge of the fridge just in time. My heart pounded anxiously in my chest as I tried to get my brief panic back under control. The concern disappeared from Toru's face so quickly, I may have imagined it was there in the first place. It was replaced by his usually haughty expression.

"Told you so."

He turned, exiting the kitchen. I carefully climbed down, watching him go. My phone was still locked out.

Great.

\---

My school day had been a loathsome charade, but I was glad for the weekend. I had definitely failed a test in English, and some underclassmen had stolen my usual lunch spot. I had felt very aimless all day.

Now, it was late. Around 1 am. I was nestled in my blankets, reading a manga Tenduo had recommended.

I love my bedroom. I love the peace it brings me. I think there's a lot of pressure nowadays to not love a space designed for solitude in our hyper social culture, but I really do love my bedroom. You could excavate so much of my past and present inside of these four walls. My childhood stuffed animals gather dust on top of a shelf. The interior of my closet has little hatch marks of my height from over the years. There's a pile of current school papers on the old sticker covered desks. I've kept the pink duvet I picked out when I was 10. Last year, I hung purple lights around the wall's perimeter. I like the violet glow they cast, especially at night. Beneath the bed, I'm certain there's even more ancient articles of being that have been stashed out of sight.

And, of course, the general mess, the paints, the drawings, the coffee cups.

It's all old and new, rubbing up against each other. A living and fractured collage. It's nice to have a little place to be quiet, sometimes.

I yawned, long and loud. The manga was good, but the main character's mother had her hair neatly arranged in a side braid. By anime rules, it would only be a matter of chapters until she died and the shonen protagonist would begin his quest for revenge.

My door creaked open and I sat up sharply to see my brother. I immediately looked away, hoping that if I ignored him, he would leave. I wasn't interested in a fight, it was too late at night for that. And I was still mad about the morning's phone debacle.

Toru entered anyways. He had an odd expression on his face, more drawn and serious, like the night a week or so ago where I had caught him repeatedly slamming the volleyball into the fence. He laid down on the floor beside my bed, stretching himself long, folding his hands on top of his chest.

I snuck a glance down at him. He stared vacantly upwards.

Okay...

I continued to read my manga, uncomfortably aware of my brother's presence on my floor. I couldn't remember the last time he had actually come inside my room. It felt intrusive. Usually, if he needed anything, he would kick at the door and yell. This was very strange. Since he had initiated the strangeness, I decided it was his job to explain it. I scrolled to another page.

Down below, Toru sighed. Long, loud, dramatically. A "pay attention to me" kind of sigh.

I ignored him, but he just repeated that awful, annoying sigh moments later. I leaned over the side of my bed, looking at him. "What do you want?", I snapped. He shrugged. I rolled my eyes, "Don't be a baby. Tell me what's going on. You never come in my room."

"Miriko dumped me."

My mouth made a small O. I knew my brother was not a good boyfriend to her. He was neglectful, prioritizing his goals over building a constructive relationship. I figured, though, that she would've known that when she started going out with him. I didn't like her, but I never imagined she would be the one to dump him.

"Why?"

I expected him to try to cover for himself, to say something about scheduling or sports or the like. Toru simply sighed, though genuinely this time, as if the very act of speaking built pressure in him that needed release.

"I think she knew I was just pretending to love her."

"Wh-why would you do that?"

He didn't answer. We didn't talk about serious things, not ever. I knew he wasn't going to clarify. I knew he wasn't going to tell me everything, not anymore, not with all the conflict and difference that existed between us. But I could tell, in his choice to come to my room, to say as much as he had to me, that I was receiving far more than anyone else was, except possibly Iwaizumi.

In that moment, my heart ached some. I didn't like my brother, but he had trusted me with his feelings in this moment, and I am so, deeply, generally clumsy with the feelings of others.

It's not something I have a lot of experience with.

"Honestly, she's kinda weird looking. Like a lizard. So maybe it's for the best.", I muttered, uncertain.

"Hm." A smile glazed over Toru's lips.

He continued to lay on the floor, looking out into nothing. I watched him for awhile, until I sensed that he had nothing else to say. I read a couple more chapters, then closed my phone. Toru was still on the floor.

I turned off my lamp, plunging the room into darkness, but I laid awake. I could hear the slow evening of my brother's breath. It sounded like he had fallen asleep. I suppose that was ok. He could stay on the floor for the night, if he really felt like he needed to do that.

I don't know what kind of comfort sleeping on the floor of my room provided, but I was glad he had found it.

It made me think some about how we would sleep in the living room together when we were little, or when we would set up a tent in our backyard.

He was so strange, my brother.

When I awoke the next morning, he had gone, as if the night before had never occurred.


	14. Advancement

The next time I saw him, Toru was back to his awful self.   
I wasn't surprised.   
He slipped into our kitchen, disgusting and sweaty, ready to brag about the 6 mile run he had just been on.

"And what have _you_ done this morning, Kana?"

I rolled my eyes, my Pokémon pajamas collecting around my heel, nearly tripping me as I brought in the mail from our box outside. Toru laughed and I scowled.   
I scattered the mail on the table. My brother's eyes lit up and he sprang forward, rapidly sifting through bills and coupons before extracting a plastic wrapped edition of Volleyball Monthly. His face was emblazoned across the cover, smirking stupidly.

"DAD! The magazine came!"

Our father entered from the downstairs bedroom, dressed for walk, watching as Toru gingerly removed the plastic. He wasn't a man of many words, but his face was full of pride.   
Together, they poured over the magazine, the full color spreads of my brother posing like an idiot doing different volleyball related things.   
I looked away, then spotted a thick brown envelope on the table.

It had my name on it.

It was from the Tokyo National Art Center.

_The contest..._

My hands trembled as I opened the letter, careful not to rip the contents inside. I could barely breathe. It's a thick envelope, so unless it's a very, very long and detailed letter about how much I suck, surely-

_The Tokyo National Art Center has conducted a nationwide search to find the most promising young artists from highschools in Japan for our annual Youth Contest._   
_We are pleased to inform you, Oikawa Kana, that you are among the selected-_

I shrieked, holding the paper to my chest. Someone out there, someone with a brain and eyes and all that other qualified stuff had seen my art, my most prized form of expression and said "Yes. This is good. This is worthwhile." I was overwhelmed with happiness and disbelief. I read the line again to make sure I wasn't hallucinating.

Toru frowned at me, "What's wrong with you? Are you dying?"   
My dad was holding the magazine, carefully inspecting the main feature.   
I looked at the both of them, beaming.I had never had an accomplishment to tell my family about before.I felt unbearably light, incredible, filled with warmth. Was this how Toru always felt? I took a deep breath, speaking slowly and clearly, relishing in my announcement.

"I advanced to the second round of the Tokyo National Art Center's Youth Contest. It's for highschooler's all over Japan, if you are selected, you-"

"Hm."   
Toru nodded, giving me a thumbs up as he turned to back to reading Volleyball Monthly over my dad's shoulder. Our father didn't even look up at me. I watched him turn another page.   
"You shouldn't have worn your brace for the photos.", he grumbled.   
My brother laughed uncomfortably, "Oh, I was just trying to be authentic."

All the warmth that had built up in me drained out, suddenly, like I'd been submerged in an icy bath.

"Dad, did you hear me? I got into the second-"

"That's great, Kana."

He didn't even look up.   
My feet numbly traveled up the stairs. I threw myself down on my bed. Fuck both of them. Literally, fuck both of them.   
It was never going to be enough. Nothing could ever set me apart from my stupid fucking brother. I could paint a mural on the side of the moon and my family still wouldn't see it.   
I had finally accomplished something, but they still found a way to make me feel like nothing.

I wondered, if I became any more invisible, would I disappear all together?

Would anyone in the walls of this home even notice?

Maybe, if my mother were around, if we even just left a place for her at our dinner table as some way of remembering, things would be different.   
I pushed my clothes aside. At the back of my closet was a frenzied cluster of childhood scribbles on the wall. I think I had done it when I was four. Instead of chastising me, my mom had praised how I put the colors together. "Keep making art, Kana", she said.

The memory brought a smile to my face. I hadn't thought about that in a long, long time.

She would be proud of me.

The idea of her pride returned some of that tingly, happy warmth to me.   
Ms. Ito, I knew, would also care. She was the one who entered me in the contest in the first place. Excitement bloomed small flowers in my chest.

Stupid dad, stupid brother.   
This was my accomplishment.   
They couldn't take that away from me.

I wiped my tears and smoothed a hand over my Pokémon pjs, unwrinkling little Pikachus.   
OH-   
There was one other person who I could share my news with.   
I flipped onto my stomach and pulled out the phone. After two of the FaceTime _brrrrrrriiiings!_ he picked up.

"Kana, Kana, Kana!"   
Tenduo beamed at me through the phone. He was sweaty, wearing his maroon volleyball uniform. The background of the call looked like a gym.   
"Oh, sorry! You're at practice, I should-"   
"No, it's totally ok! Coach just gave us a water break."   
Behind him, that brown haired boy, the one with the stern face and broad shoulders slid into view. He stared at me for a moment, then slid out of the camera frame.   
I was about to ask about that strange little interaction when the phone was taken out of Tenduo's hands.   
"AIIIYYY!"   
I was looking at an boy with ashy blond, almost gray hair.   
"SEMISEMI!" Tenduo swiped at the phone but the boy moved away.   
"So, she is a real girl, huh?"   
"Of course she's real! Hey!"   
I tried to keep from laughing, "Hi?"   
Semi Semi nodded in response. Tenduo retrieved his phone and stepped out of the gym, blushing. He sighed, "Sorry about that. What's up?"

I grinned, "I advanced to round two of the Tokyo National Art Center's Youth Contest!"

Tenduo's eyes widened, "The National Youth Art Contest! That's huge, Kana! You're going to like, be the ace of high school art clubs! This is incredible, oh my god!"   
I blushed redder than his hair, my heart thudding quickly in my chest.   
Tenduo smiled, leaning against the building. "What does it mean, though, to advance to the second stage?"   
"Well," I explained, "From what I understand, for the second round, you complete a new piece of art based off of a prompt they give you. The best pieces are shown together in the Spring at a big exhibition. And there's like, prizes and scholarships and stuff!"   
Tenduo nodded in rapid understanding. "Ooooooooooh! Okay, okay! What's the prompt?"   
I shook my head, "I haven't read the full letter yet, let me see-"

Suddenly, the brown haired guy slid into view again. He just appeared out of nowhere. I felt like he was staring through the phone, deep into my soul...like he knew me.

"Ah, Wakkun! Is break over?"

He nodded, but he didn't look away.   
It was almost like he recognized me, but I was sure I had never seen him before, other than the photo from Tenduo. Ushijima.. I think it was. Tenduo had talked a lot about him, too. The fearsome ace of Shiratorizawa. He turned sharply, silently heading back into the gym. There was something about the way he had looked at me..  
Tenduo turned back , holding up three fingers.

"Three things really quick before I gotta go. One, text me what the prompt is, I'm dying to know.   
Two, on Wednesday I'm taking you out to dinner so we can celebrate this amazing accomplishment.   
Three, I found out just before you called that our practice match with Aoba Johsai is happening this Friday! You should totally come!"

Offscreen, I heard an old man yell, "Tenduo Satori you get your ASS in here RIGHT NOW or you're cleaning the gym after practice!"

Tenduo comically grimaced. "Talk to you soon!"   
I stuttered out a goodbye as he closed the call.

Practice match... Friday?   
No, no, no, no.   
Oh, no.   
I had been enjoying my time with him so much, the truth I had been omitting, the little lie I had been graciously living under had all but been forgotten. If he found out I was related to Famous Asshole Setter Oikawa Toru, I wouldn't get to be Kana No-Name anymore.   
I would go back to being Oikawa's sister.

I would disappear.

No, wait. There's no reason to panic. I'll just make up an excuse as to why I can't go to the game. It wasn't popular knowledge that Toru had a sister, and he wouldn't bring it up unless I was physically, like, around. Maybe not even then.  
My breathing slowed. Ok! Crisis averted!   
A little nag of guilt pulled on me, but I ignored it. I read through the rest of the letter, pulling out a second piece of paper that detailed the prompt. I read it, then reread it, holding it up, over my face.

_It was Confucius that stated "The interplay of opposite principals constitutes the universe."_

_Where we find strength, there is weakness._   
_Where there is good, evil lurks._   
_In each light, there is an equal darkness._   
_They cannot live without the other._   
_This is the whole of human experience, these intertwined constructs of being._

_The Tokyo National Art Center wishes to challenge young artists to excavate what dualities shape the way they view the world._   
_What happens when these opposing elements clash? When they work together?_   
_To begin this creative exploration, ask yourself:_

_Within your life, what is inseparable?_

Inseparable, huh?  
What a strange question.


	15. Waking Up

There was a unique tension in the house. Toru and I were running on short fuses. Me, with my inability to determine what exactly I considered "inseparable" or whatever.  
Him, with the approaching practice game against Tenduo's school.   
I suppose I was nervous about that, too. Tenduo kept mentioning how excited he was that I was coming to see him play, that I would be able to meet his friends.   
Unfortunately, I had a very, undeniably real illness scheduled for that day.

Lying made me feel gross, but the alternative wasn't better. It was so early. We had only been on one real date. Sure, we talked and texted all the time, but we were still in that early phase that lacks intricate, intimate detail. I didn't want to unearth one of my greatest insecurities so quickly. And I didn't want Tenduo to know I had misled him.   
The game was going to be hosted at Shiratorizawa, which was great, because that meant the Aoba Johsai players would be taking the bus over. I wouldn't have to drive Toru home, so there was no way all of our paths would intersect.

I felt so, so gross.

As soon as school was done, I drove to the station to pick Tenduo up for our celebratory dinner date. Since Saturday, he had made grand overtures about how we would be engaging in some fine, fine dining.   
I didn't take him too seriously, until I saw him waiting by a lamp post at the station.

My jaw plummeted towards the floor.

It was like a switch had been flipped. Cute, boyishly charming Tenduo with his loose sweaters and roughed up sneakers had been replaced by the creature before me. From where I was in the car, I could only see his profile, but even that was almost too much. He wore a dark blazer over a turtleneck and form fitting slacks. His casual slouch pulled the clothing taught against his body, drawing attention to his slim, muscular figure. His dress shoes glinted against the pavement. I watched as he restlessly toyed with a series of silver chain necklaces that draped over his chest, noticing the strength and dexterity his long fingers possessed. He caught sight of me and waved. 

I found myself wondering what those fingers would feel like on skin instead of metal, but I quickly buried the thought, my face heating up.

Tenduo hopped in the car, squeezing my hand, "Hey!"

"H-hi!", I stammered, forcing myself not to ogle him. I became incredibly self conscious of my school uniform, I was definitely underdressed for whatever he had planned. I really had thought he was kidding about a fancy dinner.

"How was school?"

"It was good! Good, good. I gotta swing by my house really quick to change for dinner, but yeah! Good day, good.."

I accidentally hit the gas pedal a bit too hard, still flustered. "S-sorry."

He just laughed, "S'okay... Kana?"

 _Shit. I'm staring too much. Dammit_.   
Tenduo wasn't making it any easier, he was nonchalantly tracing small circles on my palm again. My skin burned and tingled. This was an extraordinary situation. An incredibly hot, hot boy was relentlessly looking at me. His eyes were like unholy flame.

All I could manage was, "So.. you're a jewelry man?"

Tenduo blushed. My soul eased itself a bit. I still had the ability to make this confident, beautiful man blush. We were equals in our attraction to one another, though I still could not understand how.

"Yeah. I like necklaces. And some rings. They're pretty."

I smiled, nodding in agreement. Pretty was right. "Tenduo Satori, you dress up nicely."

"Aaaah, stop! I'm a worm."

The light changed to red, so I looked at him again. "Then, I think, you're a very pretty worm."

His amber eyes widened, "I think you're a pretty worm, too. A very beautiful worm."

We looked at each other momentarily, both pink faced, and burst into laughter.

I think I really, really like him.

I turned past Aoba Johsai as Tenduo told some story about something that had happened during a frog dissection in science. It was a good story, but my mind was pulled elsewhere. I hadn't told Toru I was going out tonight. He should still be in practice, so there was no reason we should run into him. I anxiously gripped the steering wheel, willing the cars around me to go faster. Get home. Change quickly into a dress or something. Get out of here.

I breathed a sigh of relief as we passed the school without spotting any blue and white volleyball player uniforms. There was just one more turn, one more traffic light and then I'd be in the clear. This was fine, everything was going to be fine, everything was-

"KANA."

No.   
This was not happening.  
There was no way.

Tenduo turned, "Did someone just yell your name?" My phone vibrated in my purse. I ignored it. In the rearview mirror, I saw my brother approaching the car, running, pissed. I tried to speed up, but the stoplight trapped me.

In that moment, I prayed for a meteor. For the rapture. An earthquake. Anything to stop this chain of events from occurring.   
I'd rather die than live in this unbearable feeling that everything, everything was about to fall apart. I prayed the light would turn and I could speed away with Tenduo, that I could maintain the serenity I had found, this one corner of my life Toru hadn't touched.

But there he was, banging on the backseat door, forcing it open, getting in the car. He slammed the door as the light turned green.

"Oh my god, Kana, do you know how to read? Fucking stupid, I've been texting you all afternoon, practice was-Wait, who-"

I didn't look at Toru. A car honked behind me, but I ignored them. I watched Tenduo. He had stiffened some. My hand sat cold, empty. A slow, deeply satisfied smile filled Tenduo's face, but there was no warmth in it. His eyes changed. It was like a different person was bursting into existence, something ancient, powerful, unnerving. He dipped his head, laughing slightly, then looked sharply at my brother in the backseat.

"Ah, Oikawa Toru. The Grand King of Aoba Johsai. How wonderful and unexpected to make your acquaintance", Tenduo purred.   
His voice was low, playful. It was a tone I had heard before, but never with this kind of edge.

The color drained out of my brother's face as he fought to compose himself. I numbly drove forward, watching from the review mirror, pulling into our driveway.   
"Are you fucking serious, Kana? The Guess Monster? Shiratorizawa's Guess Monster? Why is he in your car, how-"

I watched the dots connect rapidly in his head as he restrained a look of horror. I didn't like how quiet Tenduo was being, I didn't-

"This is why you've been so WEIRD lately, isn't it? You're on a fucking date! You're DATING the Guess Monster?"

I whipped around, all my emotions boiling over. "AND WHAT ABOUT IT, SHITTYKAWA?"   
My brother was beside himself, "You can't date him, he's-"   
I got out of the car, flinging Toru's door open, "Out of the car. Get out. You're not ruining this for me."   
He didn't budge.   
"Fucking ridiculous, Kana, this is, there's no way." Toru turned to Tenduo as if he was about to tell him off, but something inside me snapped. A week's worth of pent up tension came pouring out in a tidal wave, sweeping over everything, drowing out his words.

"I'm happy, okay? Toru? You have so much. You have so much, with your friends and your sports and everything and I've had nothing for so. Damn. Long. I'm happy, and I'm not going to let you come fuck that up for me. I like him, and it's not your business if we're dating.   
My life has nothing. to do. with you."

My brother glared at me. He slowly unbuckled his seat belt and slipped out of the car, turning one last time to Tenduo, who still had that strange aura radiating from him.   
"See you Friday", Toru growled. Tenduo waved, mildly. He slammed the door a bit too hard and retreated into our house.

I climbed back into the front seat, pressing my forehead into the steering wheel. I couldn't bear to look at Tenduo, who still sat quietly beside me.   
"I understand if you hate me, for lying. Or omitting the truth, I guess. I just didn't want you to treat me any differently, because usually people do, when they.. yeah. I'm really sorry, Tenduo."   
I finally forced myself to look at him, and he smiled, but it was that normal smile, the one that pulled at the corner of his lip.

"Honestly, Kana, I kind of knew."

I sat up, "How?"

He chuckled softly, "Well, for starters, you know a lot about volleyball for someone who claims to have no connection to it. And it was strange how you were hanging around the gym each night, when I met you. I knew there was something up, but it became a lot clearer after Saturday, when you called me and Wakatoshi saw you. Over the last couple day's he's been all, Satori. That girl looks like Oikawa. That girl is an Oikawa. Oikawa, Oikawa, Oikawa. I ignored him, but he's kind of right. You and your brother have similar eyes."

I instinctually gagged at the thought of looking like my brother and pressed my head back on the edge of the wheel.   
Tenduo and I sat in silence for a bit.   
"I'm still sorry."   
His shoulders moved up and down, "I wish you had told me, cuz we shouldn't keep things from each other, but I know what it's like. Feeling different. Like an outsider."   
He leaned back in the passenger seat, "People call me the Guess Monster, because.. I don't know. I'm weird. I look a bit weird, I know that. It bothered me a lot, especially in middle school, but now I play it up some when I'm around rival teams. I think it's ok to be different, a little scary, even. Kana, look at me."

I did.

"I like you for you. I like you a lot, you're one the coolest people I've met, and one of the first people outside my team to actually be nice to me. I don't care about your brother."

He didn't.. care?   
"Seriously?"   
"Seriously."

All of the pressure, the tension, the doubt fled my body. It was like waking from a long, dark dream into the warmth of a sunny day.   
This was the world I had always wanted to know.

"Oho, also...."

Tenduo's voice was a bit singsongy. Playful. He drew a circle in the air and then pointed at me.

"You said, when you were yelling at your brother, which was very cool, by the way, that we were _dating_. Not _going on dates_. Dating."

My heart clenched.   
"Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry, sorry, I-"   
"Do you want to be?"   
"What?"   
"My girlfriend?"

A smile stretched cleanly through my face and I nodded, dumbly. Yes. Yes please, Tenduo Satori. Let me be your girlfriend. Let me hold your hand forever, let's go to a million more arcades and win a million more claw machine games, let's call and text each other good morning for a million more mornings, let's stay together.   
I nodded dumbly, but he knew exactly what I meant.

"So, ah, I guess if you're my girlfriend, now, that means I should, like-"

He reached out and pulled me to him, over the little dividing place between our two seats in the car. He tipped my head up and lowered his lips onto mine. I closed my eyes, feeling the kiss with my whole body. His lips were warmer and softer than anything I could've ever imagined. It was a force so natural, like flying, or falling. I was weightless and I knew nothing in my life would ever be the same, because I could now walk through the world having been kissed by him. My fingers pushed through Tenduo's hair and I pressed myself closer to him, holding this moment until we both couldn't breathe, and then just a bit longer.

When we eventually separated, hearts pounding, I stupidly exclaimed, "I've never kissed anyone before!"   
Tenduo looked just as bewildered as me, "Same!"   
"Was I okay?"   
"Yeah, that was- that was, what about me?"   
I grinned like a idiot and gave him a thumbs up. We laughed, clutching each other's hands, clutching each other's faces until we were all over the other again, lips pressed together.   
I pulled back after a couple more moments of bliss.   
"Okay, okay, I'm going to change. We can't be late for dinner."   
Tenduo smiled. "Hurry back."


	16. Silent Treatment

Tenduo took me to a restaurant downtown in a high rise. There were floor to ceiling windows, pressed table cloths, and three different forks. It was the nicest place I'd ever been.   
We shared an entree so as not to drive up the bill, pretending to be extremely fancy adults back from an evening at the opera, talking with our hands, our legs touching beneath the table.   
When dinner concluded, we went to a nearby park to go on the swings, because _why not_. I laughed wildly, the air rushing past my ears.   
The chains swished and creaked as we tried to see who could go higher.

It was late when I finally returned home. My face still felt warm from the goodnight kiss I had received.   
Kissing was _great_.   
It was truly a divine activity, and I was excited to engage with it more.   
Everyone in my house seemed to be asleep, so I crept up quietly, folding myself beneath the covers.   
I slipped off into dreams almost instantly.   
I suppose that's what happens when the space between real life and perfect fantasy is a razor thin margin.

My brother was uncharacteristically quiet in the morning. He wouldn't meet my eyes. I tried to enjoy the silence, but it made me uneasy. I was so used to his harsh words, the lack of pestering and prodding made it feel as though something was lacking from my morning routine. It had become a morbid ritual, in a way. Starting the day by being terrible to one another.

I stared at a blank canvas for the entirety of after school art. Inseparable, inseparable.   
Breathing was an inseparable action for my lungs. The lid on the peanut butter was often inseparable from the jar unless someone stronger could twist it off for me.   
I could only conjure the stupidest, most basic ideas. The empty linen borders mocked me.   
Making art is 5% technical skill and 95% creativity. I had never had to create for anyone but myself. The idea of needing to communicate through my work to others had never been at the forefront of my practice. I was feeling entirely uncreative, and it was making me hate myself.   
Eventually, Ms. Ito removed the blank monolith from my view and told me to pack up.

"It'll come to you.", she said.

I prayed she was right.

When his schedule would allow it, Toru volunteered at a local community center to help kids out with volleyball. Children were smelly and sticky, it was one of the few things we could agree on. Toru claimed the volunteer position was only to look good for college applications, but I could tell, even with all the smelly stickiness, he enjoyed coaching the young players.   
It was one of the few times when I was allowed to watch him do his thing. He tossed the ball up, sending it to the perfect height for the little boy to smash it down on the other side of the net.   
The child looked at his own hands in awe, then at my brother.   
"DIDJA SEE THAT?"   
"Yeah, that spike was awesome!"  
In reality, the kid had done alright. It was the support of my brother, his well aimed tosses, that brought out the good in the play.   
He was just doing his job, but as I watched from the gate, I realized how strangely thoughtful the action was.

Eventually, Toru slouched over to me. We stood for a moment in the dark, then started for the car. I checked the time on my phone.   
Weird. Weird quiet. Ugh.   
I needed to do something about this before it made me crazy.

"Hey... Uh... I think the new Star Wars movie came out today. We could go catch a screening, it's not even eight yet. Dad gave me some extra gas money we could use for the tickets."

"No, thanks."

Goddamit.   
No snarky comment, no irritable quip. I was shocked, too, that he had refused. I knew how excited Toru was to watch another adventure in a galaxy far, far away. We had seen all the other films together, it would feel strange to miss one.   
And the politeness, the "no _thanks_."   
In a way, I wanted to fight with him. I was still so frustrated from my time in Art earlier, the idea of one of our classic screaming matches seemed like a perfect tension release.   
I stewed in the silence as I turned on the car.  
My foot rested on the gas, but I didn't pull out of the parking lot.

"Kana."  
There was no whine in his voice, he just sounded tired.   
"What are you doing?"   
I turned and looked at him, "Yell at me."   
"What?"   
"Yell at me. Tell me I'm stupid and ugly. I don't know, just stop being so fucking moody."  
Toru rolled his eyes, leaning back against the seat.   
"Oh, sorry, thought you wanted nothing to do with me."   
"I don't!", I growled.   
I furiously pulled out of the lot, jerking the steering wheel. My brother lurched forward with an undignified yelp.   
"Jesus, oh my god!"

I laughed, despite myself.

Then, it was quiet again.   
My brother looked a bit lost, gazing out the window. He was somewhere in the vast and surprisingly intricate corridors of his own thoughts, his face lit by the red tail lights of the car in front of us.   
I wanted to hit him, so I did, but not too hard.   
Toru casually swatted me back on the arm without even turning to look at me.   
"You can't DO THAT while I'm driving."   
"Whatever."

We turned onto our street. Toru cleared his throat, "Are you...watching the practice game tomorrow?"  
"I was invited to, yeah."   
"I'd prefer if you didn't."

I took the key out of the ignition.   
"I'm not going for you, dipshit. I'm going to support my boyfriend."   
"Ah, yes. Your _boyfriend_."  
It was supposed to be a dig, but there was something else in his tone, nestled between the folds of the word that I couldn't make out.   
Strange.   
We jostled one another, each trying to squeeze through the door of the house first. Toru succeeded, pushing past me. I nearly fell.

"I just wanted to let you know, our team is going to destroy theirs. Just a warning, so you don't get your hopes up."   
My brother smirked, looking down on me with cold disdain from the stairs.

At least he was behaving a bit more normally now.


	17. The Aoba Johsai- Shiratorizawa Practice Game

It would've been nice if I could've just taken the bus with the Aoba Johsai players. I was tailing right behind them in traffic, anyways.   
Annoying.   
The cars beeped and bustled, the commuters rush. I hate it when the roads are congested, it always make me so irritable. I tightened my fist around the iced coffee I had purchased, restraining myself from yelling "Go, stupid bus! Go"   
I tried to pull ahead of them but ended up in a wrong turn. A few maneuvers later, I was rerouted towards the school, the bus now in the distance.

I've heard before that the architecture of an area reflects the spirit of the place.   
Shiratorizawa made me instantly anxious.   
It was all keen edges, smooth curves, and manicured lawns. I drove past a golf course, a tennis court, a soccer field, and... was that a horseback riding club? Horses?? There was so much, it should've made me dizzy, but the layout had been designed with such clinical efficiency that I felt more like a piece of dirt that had been tracked onto some pristine tile floor. I had always considered Aoba Johsai to be a fine looking school, but this place was on an entirely different level.   
I spotted the team bus in a parking lot and pulled alongside it, finishing my coffee in a sip.   
I reapplied my lip gloss in the mirror and popped a stick of gum, smoothing my hands over my jeans, silently thanking myself for remembering to bring clothes to change into in favor of my stupid ass school uniform.   
The Aoba Johsai team were loitering around the parking lot. They looked out of place and uncomfortable, surveying the tall buildings, squinting up at the sun.   
Only Makki and Mattsun, two guys from my brother's year, seemed to be enjoying themselves. They kept trying to step on the other's shoelaces, tripping over one another, until Iwaizumi yelled at them to knock it off.   
Usually, my brother was imbued with social energy when he was with his team, but he stood a bit apart from them.   
He looked on edge.   
I got out of the car, crossing the lot. Iwaizumi waved a hello.   
"Well if it isn't the traitor?", my brother sneered.   
I rolled my eyes.   
"Yeah, yeah. Where's the volleyball place?"   
"Court! You know that it's called a volleyball court, not a volleyball place, for God's sake-"

His tirade ceased as a player in a maroon track suit approached. I recognized him instantly. He was built like a brick wall, sturdy and dense. He seemed to have his own center of gravity, a magnetism that disrupted the flow of all living energy. His face was blank, serious. He stretched out an arm and I could practically see the muscle rippling beneath the fabric.   
My brother did not receive the handshake.

"Ushijima.", He sniffed.

There was a kind of hatred, a challenge in his eyes. My brother's disdain was about as subtle as a splash of red paint. If Ushijima picked up on the feeling, he didn't acknowledge it.   
He lowered his hand, nodding, "Oikawa."   
Then, Ushijima fixed me with the same intrusive stare. I felt automatically inferior under his towering gaze, like I needed to go lift some weights and chug a protein shake.

"Oikawa."

My brother and I instinctually exchanged a look of co-irritation. I huffed, "It's nice to meet you, but you can totally just call me-"

"KANAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

One hundred and fifty six pounds of boyfriend slammed into me. I was wrapped into a squeeze of a hug, sealed by a kiss on the top of my head. He smelled like orange flavored sports drinks and he looked like the best thing I had ever seen. My face flushed, self conscious at the display of attention in front of _the literal entirety of the Aoba Johsai volleyball team._  
I realized that Tenduo was the touchy type, which would take some adjusting to, but I would be lying if I said I didn't like it. The feeling of his hands on me made my heart do all kinds of crazy tricks.   
He took my palm, laced our fingers together, and began dragging me in the direction I suppose the gym was in.   
"Ah, this is so, so good. I'm so happy you're here!"   
I smiled.   
"Me too."   
Ushijima, my brother, and his team followed at a mild distance.   
I dropped my voice to a whisper, "Your friend is scary."   
"He's just being oh so serious, Aoba Johsai is our biggest rival, after all."   
Tenduo flicked his tongue over his teeth, slipping into a very Guess Monstery grin.   
"We always win, though. You'll see."

I hadn't know the extent of the animosity between the teams. I suppose that's why my brother had been so put off the last couple days.

He was... nervous?

Strange.   
_Hey, Kana!,_ my brain reminded me, y _ou're here for Tenduo, not to be worry about the idiot sibling that pushed you down a flight of stairs in middleschool!_  
Stupid Toru.

Like everything else, Shiratorizawa's gym was much nicer than ours.   
Tenduo pointed towards where I should join the small collection of spectators that had arrived to watch the practice match.   
"Wait, hold on."   
He sprinted into what was probably the locker room, then came back out with a shirt in hand.   
All around, players were stretching, warming up, send serves and spikes and all that shit over the net.   
Tenduo unceremoniously dropped the shirt on my head, "Hey!"   
I wrinkled my nose looking up at him. Tenduo stared at his fingers, then the floor.   
"We don't wear jerseys for practice games, so I thought. Maybe. Possibly. Like, if you wanted to, you could-"   
"Oh my god, stupid, yeah I'll wear your jersey."

His face lit up. I pulled it over my black turtleneck, the shirt near reaching my knees, and flashed him a peace sign.   
Tenduo covered his face with his hands, mock overwhelmed, "Kaaaana!"   
He fanned himself with hand as I rolled my eyes, before slipping back into serious mode.   
"After the game, dinner and introductions. Okay? I gotta go warm up with everybody now."  
I nodded, waving him off. "Good luck!"   
He turned back to me, already taking on the intensity he had displayed when he had first met my brother.   
His gaze was deliciously treacherous, intense. It made me shiver.

"No need."

I caught my brother's eye on the other end of the court. He looked at the maroon number five on my chest with a violent scowl.   
He then directed the grimace at Tenduo, winding up for a practice serve, slamming the ball with impossible force right next to where my boyfriend was stretching with a teammate.   
Toru waved a fake apology, and the temperature in the room rose some.

This was gonna be an interesting game.

I can't say I understand volleyball. If anything, I only have the most basic grasp of the game. There's setters, spikers, you have to block the spikers.. so there's people that do that. It seems like there's also another player who wears a different jersey that only does defense. It's all very intricate, in a surprising way. 

I do, however, understand frustration. 

My brother clenched his teeth. The emotion had been written all over his face since they lost the first set. The Great King was sitting on an unstable throne.

And then there was my boyfriend. He was... incredible. An exuberant force unto himself. Tenduo was like a deity deposed, a demon tearing through the court. It was almost a bit scary. Ushijima may have been Shiratorizawa's star, but Tenduo was the darkness through which he shone. 

"Oikawa!" 

Iwaizumi called for a spike and my brother instinctually sent it his way. As Shiratorizawa was racking up more and more points, he was passing more and more to him. I think they had some kind of trust in rough moments. Tenduo leaped up, flicking his long fingers forward, smashing the ball back onto Aoba Johsai's court. "Ah, ah, ah! Not so fast." 

His tone was positively devilish, his face full of pride. I would hate to be a player on the other side of Tenduo's taunts. Tenduo's teammates cheered the point, clapping him on the back. Iwaizumi growled. Even though they were nearly neck and neck, Aoba Johsai was being worn down, a deterioration I had noticed since Shiratorizawa took the first set. My brother flashed a glare at me like it was my personal fault Tenduo had scored. His chest heaved up and down. Anger coursed through me. I looked away from him and pointedly raised my arms in the air, "MIRACLE BOY SA-TO-RI!"

Tenduo turned to me, sweaty and joyful. He put a hand to his heart, pretending to swoon, then plunged back into the game. I loved watching him play. He was superhuman, the way he could innately predict where the ball would go. Tenduo was all limbs, slender and tall, but he had perfect control of his body on the court. It was also a kind of gift to watch a person I cared about play through a deep passion of their's. I could see Tenduo's love for volleyball, the way he cheered on his team, and the way they cheered on him. Even the ever silent Ushijima would clap and crack a smile when Tenduo pulled off another impressive block. 

I tried to focus on them, their dynamic, instead of paying attention to my brother. 

I hadn't seen Toru play a match since middle school. He'd made sure of that. I kept reminding myself I wasn't here for him, but there was a bit, the smallest sliver of happiness whenever he got a good pass over. I knew more than anyone how hard he worked, however insufferable he was. It was the only thing I could really respect about him. 

It was intense, watching the two teams battle. My pulse was going crazy, as if I was out there on the court myself. I kept clenching my hands so tightly, my nails were leaving little indents in my palms. There was an acute tension that rippled through the air, following the ball, coursing through the players. 

18 points for Aoba Johsai, 20 for Shiratorizawa. 

Toru went up to serve and the Shiratorizawa players stepped back to receive. I knew Toru was confident in his serves. This moment could turn the tide of the game. He knew that, as well. He looked at me, smirking, ready to make good on his promise to crush my boyfriend's team. My knuckles turned white in the little fists I had formed. He was so achingly annoying. I wasn't here to watch him, so I turned away, concentrating on the other side. 

A whistle blew and the ball rocketed through the air. Ushijima stepped to the side, holding up a hand, "Out." The ball hit well beyond the line. Toru's eyes were burning into me, full of rage, his failed serve still hot on his hands. He was usually so accurate, at least when he practiced in our backyard. Iwaizumi kicked him, "Don't mind, don't mind." 

I cheered with the Shiratorizawa spectators as another point was added to the total. 

18 to 21. 

Tenduo moved to the space where players stay warm while out of rotation, leaving words of encouragement to each of his teammates still on the court. Then, he turned his attention back to the Aoba Johsai players, eerily singing, "Keep on breaking them! What, you say? Keep on shattering them! What, you say?-" 

He pointed to his teammate, the one with the silvery hair, Semi. Semi huffed, desperately trying to think of what Tenduo's next lyric would be, "Uh.. their blocks?" 

Tenduo wagged a finger, "No, no. What, Kana?" 

He pointed at me and I felt a bit monstrous myself, "Their spirits!" My boyfriend grinned and nodded, "Their spiiiirits~". Semi shook his head, laughing slightly. 

I looked back at the Aoba Johsai side, my brother in the heat of concentration. A spike from Ushijima, another. They just couldn't block him. My brother set with an almost beautiful fluidity, a support for the rest of the players, but collectively, they just couldn't cut it. I watched him get more and more frustrated. I knew both teams worked infinitely hard. Tenduo had told me of the rigorous training they received from their coach, and I knew Aoba Johsai's practice schedule like the back of my hand. The game was running ever closer as Iwaizumi and Makki managed to get a couple hits over. 22-23. 

Something, though. Something about Shiratorizawa made them just slightly... better. 

Ushijima probably had something to do with it. He was on another level, all on his own. The team was designed to support him, but that didn't seem like a narcissistic action. The way his teammates watched him, I could tell there was a pride, a respect to play with such a gifted individual. They were doing everything they could to support him. It was interesting. As captains, he and my brother were opposites like that. I saw that Toru worked to bring out the best in each player on Aoba Johsai, while Shiratorizawa worked to support Ushijima's maximum power. Then, Tenduo was placed back in the game. He brought a wildness that heightened the other player's harsh efficiency. Of everyone on the court, he stood out the second most after Ushijima. He leered over the net, unrestrained ability, a deadly hunger. Iwaizumi didn't stand a chance. His spike was smashed to the ground. Emotions were running so high, it was hard to believe this was only a practice game. Tenduo leaped back, "Victory!" 

"Tenduo, we need one more point.", Ushijima bluntly stated, pointing towards the score. 

"Right, right, right! Sorry, Wakkun." 

The other players just laughed, smiling. I liked seeing the way they all acted on the court together, and in the moment, it dawned on me that I really wanted Shiratorizawa to win the match. I leaned forward in my chair, intently watching. They were so close. 

Toru was fired up. Tenduo danced around in front of him, their proximity making Toru even more irritable. He went to set to Mattsun and Tenduo leaped to block, realizing at the last second he made a mistake. Toru dumped the ball over the net instead of passing it, grinning like a maniac. It was the same expression he made whenever he took the last bit of cereal, or used up all the hot water in our house. 

My breath hitched and I jumped up. It looked like the ball would come crashing to ground, but at the last moment, Tenduo miraculously stuck his foot under it and sent it back upwards. My boyfriend lost his momentum and fell over himself, but he had done his job. The ball went to the center, towards their setter, Shirabu. Shirabu passed the ball to Ushijima, who sent the ball tearing through Aoba Johsai's defense. 

Just like that, the game was over. 

The sound of my own cheering filled my ears. My brother gave me another look, as if I were dirt, but he quickly composed himself into a neutrality. I ignored him. Tenduo picked himself off the ground, embracing his teammates, waving at me, "DID YOU SEE THAT? I STOPPED IT WITH MY FOOT!" 

From where he watched on the side, Semi leaned over to me, speaking to me for the first time. "You should come to all of our games." 

"Why?" 

"I've never seen Tenduo play quite like that before. All that effort." 

It felt really good, to have my presence appreciated. 

Maybe, I should've gone to Shiratorizawa. 


	18. One to Ten

I gave Tenduo his jersey back and waited patiently as the Shiratorizawa boys changed from their practice clothes, leaning against the wall of the gym. The Aoba Johsai team didn't speak much as they gathered their things.   
Toru came up to me as they were leaving.   
"What time will you be home?"  
He didn't meet my eyes as he asked the question. I watched Iwaizumi, his face as serious as ever, lingering by the door for my brother. I shrugged, "I don't know. I think I'm getting dinner with all of them."   
I expected some kind of snarky, "Have fun." But, he just nodded. "I'll leave the door unlocked."   
Toru turned to go and I almost felt bad for him.

There was an inexpensive, traditional style restaurant within walking distance from Shiratorizawa. I walked between Tenduo and Ushijima, Tenduo swinging my arm back and forth in tandem with his long steps. I listened as they all chattered excitedly about the game, recounting plays that worked and didn't work, improvements to be made, celebrations to be had. I slowly began to connect faces to names Tenduo had mentioned. There was Reon, a levelheaded third year that was quick to politely remind his teammates when they (Tenduo) were being way too loud in the restaurant. There was Semi, who I discovered was as much as an instigator as my boyfriend was among the group. Shirabu, the setter, was in my grade and was constantly minding Goshiki, a bowl cut wearing, puppy eyed first year who made up for in enthusiasm what he lacked in social grace.   
It was Goshiki that dragged me into the conversation from my content place on the sidelines.   
"Oikawa! Oh, gosh, it's weird calling you Oikawa, because of the other Oikawa-"   
I sighed, smiling. "Please, please, please just call me Kana."  
Goshiki turned bright red, nodding.   
"Oi-sorry- Kana! Is it weird, watching your brother lose?"

Shirabu reached over and smacked Goshiki, "You can't ask her that, that's rude!"

I laughed, "No, no. It's okay. Honestly, I think he deserves to lose every once in awhile. It's universal karma for always hogging up the bathroom in our house."

There was some laughter, some smiles. Tenduo squeezed my hand.

"Okay, okay, who thought, originally, that Tenduo was lying when he said he was going on a date with a girl?", Semi questioned the table. Nearly everyone sheepishly raised a hand, except Ushijima and a nervous looking Goshiki.   
Tenduo put his face in his hands, "Nooooot this again, SemiSemi. For the millionth time! Kana's real! She's right here!"  
"You win this time, Satori."

For the rest of dinner, I remained blissfully out of the topic of conversation. It was nice, just listening to all of them interact, sharing in the laughter and warmth that carried the team. They were like a family.   
Semi told me some embarrassing stories about Tenduo, like when he had gotten himself locked in the supply closet. Reon kept Tenduo from killing Semi. Goshiki kept asking Ushijima what he thought of his performance in the game, only to receive disappointing, one word answers.   
As we walked back to Shiratorizawa, Tenduo carried a endearingly one sided conversation with the silent ace, but I could tell Ushijima was enjoying himself.   
They were all such odd characters, but they fit together nicely, working to create something efficient and beautiful.   
As we turned into the parking lot, Tenduo leaned down by me.   
"Hey, hey. You don't have to go home yet, do you? I wanna spend some time together."   
I glowed a bit, "I'm free, it's still pretty early."   
Tenduo looked up at the sky, as if he was collecting himself some. "Do... do you wanna see my dorm? We could watch a movie, if you like?"

My heart rate sped way the fuck up. Alone with Tenduo, in his dorm, watching a movie. I didn't want to be presumptuous, no, I wasn't being presumptuous. We were gonna just sit. On his bed. In his dorm. Just the two of us. And simply... watch a movie.

_Nervousness is just spicy excitement!_   
_Nervousness is just spicy excitement!_

I nodded, "I'd love to."

Girls were obviously not permitted within the boy's dorms, and the collaboration that was required from the third years to sneak me in was so embarrassing, I almost wished I had said no.   
"You owe us, Satori.", Semi muttered.   
"If we get in trouble, I'm blaming you", said Reon. Ushijima, unsurprisingly, said nothing.   
The four tall, tall boys were in a tight cluster around me, concealing me from view as we quickly entered the building.   
"Relaaax", Tenduo sighed. He grinned a bit deviously, "Technically, the four of us aren't supposed to have sleepovers, but we do that all the time. What's another rule to break?"   
I snorted, "You guys all have sleepovers? Do y'all play truth or dare? Matching pajamas?"   
"Oh, absolutely.", Tenduo purred.   
"Goddamit, Tenduo. Stop trying to make us seem uncool.", Semi huffed.   
We crammed into an elevator, passing a security guard, and ended up on their floor.   
Reon and Semi waved, politely wishing me a goodnight before they headed off down the hall.   
Ushijima walked with Tenduo and I until the three of us stopped at the end of a corridor.   
Ushijima looked at me with that unwavering, eerie gaze. He stuck out his hand.

"It was nice to meet you, Kana. I hope to see you again shortly."

I shook it, his grip firm, "It was nice to meet you, too." He nodded, satisfied.

Then, Ushijima turned to Tenduo.   
"I am next door. Do not be loud."

If I could've died right there, I would have. From the look on Tenduo's face, he felt the same. Ushijima, unfazed, went into his own room, the lock clicking behind him.   
Tenduo turned to me with wide eyes and I couldn't help bursting into laughter.   
He covered my mouth with his hand, but I could tell he was also trying not to completely lose it. Tenduo pushed open the door to his room and I followed him inside, trying desperately not to laugh too loudly.

Tenduo's dorm was nice, clean. He had a bookshelf predominately filled with manga and classic horror movie posters up on the walls. A medium sized aloe plant sat on his desk.   
"Tada! My domain."   
I grinned, "I like your plant."   
"Thanks, it was a gift from Wakkun. A hardy succulent so I don't accidentally kill it."   
I nodded, poking at the plant.   
I spotted our Kuromi plush on the shelf and held it against my chest to try to calm my pulse.

Tenduo. Boyfriend. Alone in his room.

He crossed past me to the window, beckoning me to join him. I leaned up against the glass, feeling electric as our shoulders touched.

"This is my favorite part of this whole place."

Outside, I could see the whole of Sendai. The downtown, the crests of the mountains, beyond. It was beautiful. Looking out on such a wide, profound landscape brought me a sense of peace in myself. I exhaled and the tension released from body. Tenduo and I stood by the window for sometime. I leaned my head on his shoulder, and he put an arm around me.

"Thanks for coming to my game today. Nobody's ever come to just watch me play."

I was a bit taken aback, "Really? Not even your parents?"

"The commute is too hard for them, so they just watch on TV when they can."

I remember Tenduo had told me that he had grown up farther in the country, away from Sendai.

I smiled.   
"I'm gonna come to all your games."   
Tenduo held me a bit tighter, "And I'm gonna come to all of your super famous art shows."

I shook my head, chuckling.   
Tenduo turned away from the window, sitting down on his bed, procuring his laptop.   
"Movie time?"

I nodded, sitting next to him, my heart moving a bit faster.

We really, actually did watch a movie. Sadako, of course. Tenduo's arm was draped around my waist, my head on his chest as we lay next to one another. During the scarier parts, we would jokingly hold tight to the other, even though we had both seen the movie countless times.   
At the end of the film, we kept our hands on one another.   
In my head, I counted his breaths, listening to the thud of his heart.

 _One_ , the way he looked when I first saw him outside the gym.

 _Two_ , laying in the grass, speaking of the stories we loved.

 _Three_ , his tricky little smile.

 _Four_ , my first date. My most perfect, first date.

 _Five_ , the way he would trace little circles on the inside my palm.

 _Six_ , the way he cared about me, for me. Not because of who I was related to, just me.

 _Seven_ , his laugh.

 _Eight_ , how he supported me, how he was genuinely interested in what I had to say.

 _Nine_ , the joy of being invited into his life. Meeting his friends, cheering loudly.

 _Ten_ , kissing him for the first time in my car.

Kissing him, huh?   
An inspired idea.   
Before I knew quite what I was doing, I turned up to face Tenduo and pulled his mouth to mine. I kissed him like I couldn't breathe, like I wanted to inspire the stars. He guided my body on top of his, his arms around my waist, drawing me closer. I didn't quite know where to put my hands, but that was okay. I opted to push them through his hair. We were figuring out these things together.   
When we finally separated, both trying to catch up to our breath, I instantly missed the physical closeness of the moment.   
Tenduo sat up, my legs still around him, and hugged me tight.   
We both laughed a bit. I liked how much we did that. It made all the parts where we felt self conscious easier.   
The clock on the wall said it was past midnight. I knew if I layed back down, I'd fall asleep there, and my father would execute me.   
I untangled myself from Tenduo, standing up.   
He smiled, "I'll walk you to your car."

We pretended to be spies as we snuck back out of the building. We both hummed the Mission Impossible theme as we darted around corners, looking out for trouble. Blissfully, there was none to be encountered.

As we walked back to my car, Tenduo sang another one of his little songs.   
"Kana, Kana! My beautiful girlfriend, she is so wonderful, can't wait to see her agaiin~"   
I kicked at him, blushing.   
"Hush."

I kissed him once more before getting into the drivers seat, then asked, "Whatcha doing tomorrow?"   
Tenduo grinned. "Absolutely nothing. Coach gave us the day off because we won the game."   
His smile was contagious.   
"I'll see you, then."   
He nodded.   
I looked at him a second longer, my heart so full.   
"Goodnight, Kana. Text me when you get home safe."   
I promised I would.


	19. We Throw A Party!

Toru and I stood in the doorway in our pajamas, the lull of early morning settling all around us. Our father stared grimly back, more at me than Toru.

"I'll be back late tomorrow evening. There's money for dinner on the counter. Kana, do not burn the house down." I was going to protest that there was no way I would be the one to burn down the house, but Toru cut me off, "Let me get your suitcase for you, Dad." Asshole.

He carried it to the taxi that was waiting and loaded the small bag in the trunk. I had completely forgotten about the work conference in Osaka my father was attending. I was grateful, too, because I had gotten an earful for coming home so late. Toru had given me a rather irritating look when I lied and said I had been at the movies. I didn't like that he had that kind of leverage over me, now. It would probably come back to haunt me.

We watched the car speed off as the sun continued to rise. I stumbled back inside and set about making myself some coffee. Toru watched, sitting at the kitchen table. He cleared his throat. I lazily looked up, arching an eyebrow in a _What?_

"Kana. I'm having a party tonight."

"Like hell you are. If anything happens to this house, you know I'll get blamed."

Toru nodded, folding his hands, "I'll give you a signed piece of paper that says I'll take responsibility."

I stirred the coffee, surprised. That was... uncharacteristically reasonable of him. Still... "I don't think it's a good idea."

He made a little huff of irritation, "Look. I had a shit day yesterday, and I never do anything like this. My team is always way too busy. This is the first weekend we've had off from practice in a long time, and I want to do something fun. And normal. I'm giving myself a break for one, singular day, because if I don't take it, I'm going to go crazy."

I suppose I never realized that my brother really didn't have too much of a regular social life. Despite his popularity, he was constantly turning down plans in pursuit of volleyball. We existed on opposite ends of the spectrum, him, with too much to do. Me, with too little. Toru banged his head down on the table, as if the words he spoke next were too painful for him to even process, "You, ugh, blehhhh, fine, okay? You can come with your freak boyfriend, as long as you both don't act like fucking weirdos."

I gasped, mock touched, "Oh my god, Toru? I'm invited to a party happening in my own fucking house? How sweet of you!" He growled at me, then looked away. "Who all would be coming?", I asked, measured.

"I'd invite the team, then just a couple others from school. That's it."

I nodded. If Toru gave me a written responsibility contract, and it was mostly just the Aoba Johsai team.. that could be fine. They were all decent enough people, especially if Iwaizumi would be there. He could keep everyone together. I remembered how defeated they had all looked yesterday and I felt a small pang in my chest. Maybe they did deserve a normal night, without expectations, without winning and losing. Just a time to _be_.

Plus, if Tenduo was coming, he and I could do our own thing. I could show him my old sketches, the garden in the backyard, and I suppose, with my dad gone... he could stay over. A blush rose to my cheeks. I could figure that part out later.

I'd never been to a party before. This.. this could actually be fun. "Okay. Let's do this."

**12:03 pm**

**funny story**

**what's up kana kun**

**so my dad's out of town for the weekend**

**mmmhm**

**dumbass brother is throwing a party**

**do you wanna come? i don't know**

**if i'll survive it on my own.**

**OIKAWA PARTY???**

**ahahahah**

**Ushijima will be so jealous**

**shhhhhhhhhkkk**

**no guess monster tho, only tenduo**

**i'll be so charming, just you wait**   
  
  


My brother and I spent the day cleaning the house together, listening to music, taking turns queuing songs. It was strangely pleasant. We took some of the extra purple lights I had in my room and hung them in the living room. A store run for snacks and cups would be needed. Toru unearthed a large handle of tequila from his closet. "What the fuck, how did you acquire that?", I snorted. "Not your business, little sister."

I rolled my eyes.

As I was tidying my room, Toru banged his fist on the wall, summoning me with a "KANA!"

I popped my head out in the hallway to see my brother in the most god awful plaid shorts that had ever been created.

"What do you think? Fit for tonight?"

I tried desperately not to, but laughter rolled out of me, to the point where I couldn't even breathe. I couldn't entirely blame him, the guy mostly lived in athletic wear. Toru glared, unamused, "Well. What are you wearing?"

I gestured down at my t-shirt and paint stained jeans. Toru shook his head, "No. No. Didn't you sleep in that shirt? Absolutely not, c'mon. Get the car started."

"Why, where are we going?"

"Mall, stupid."

"Ugly. Change out of those shorts first, I won't be seen with you wearing those."

"YOU won't be seen with ME-"

I turned down the stairs, ignoring him before he could finish his sentence.

Twenty minutes later, we had arrived at Sendai Parco, the largest mall in our area. We had to be quick, but the two of us kept getting distracted, antagonizing the other with awful outfit suggestions.

"No, no, brother dear. Lime green is your color."

"Kana, look, if you unfolded this turtleneck, it would cover up your face!"

Even when he wasn't joking, Toru really did keep grabbing the most terrible things. He had some kind of plaid affixation. I kept wrangling away plaid pants, plaid blazers from him. He also completely lacked a sense of color, trying to throw yellows and browns together. "Stop, okay, just stop. You're going to hurt yourself.", I muttered as I confiscated another awful, nonsensical clothing combination.

Toru pouted, "Fine. If you don't like my choices, you pick something for me. But then, I get to pick something for you, and you have to try it on, whatever it is."

Visions of being strangled by a plaid straight jacket flashed through my mind, but I pushed them aside. It was getting later in the day, we needed to wrap up this awful mall side quest.

"Whatever."

I wandered among the men's clothing section, thinking. It had to be something nice, but something that also appealed to my brother's overwhelmingly bad taste. I decided simple was better: a button down, a light cream sweater, brown pants, and a denim jacket. I met Toru by the dressing rooms and aggressively handed him the pile of clothes. He threw a ball of black fabric in my face. I turned to the woman's side and tried on what I discovered to be a slip dress. It was long, reaching the middle of my calf. Shiny, satiny black fabric clung against me. I hadn't worn anything like this before. I usually just dressed for practicality, but this made me feel chic, and a bit cute. Two words I hadn't ever thought of to describe myself. Some boots with this... and that's an outfit. Toru had actually found something I would like. Huh. I folded the dress, and left, going to check out. Toru was waiting outside with the outfit I had picked for him in his arms, scowling.

"What?"

"Looks nice. The jacket is cool. You're good at... picking clothes."

He made a sound in his throat like he would vomit from the effort of complimenting me, then noticed I had the dress in my hands. "Are you buying that?"

I nodded, eyeing him.

"What?"

"Nothing, I'm just surprised. It's not horrible."

"Well, you wear a lot of black, and I didn't want you to look completely stupid, because that would be embarrassing for me."

"Okay, rude."

We left the mall and swung by a convenience store on the way home, purchasing some snack food and plastic cups, like the kind that were always in parties in Western high school movies. As soon as we got back, I successfully locked Toru out of the bathroom so I could shower first. I was tempted to take extra long and use the hot water in revenge for all the times he had, but I decided not to be so cruel.

I shimmied into the dress, listening to Toru sing as he blowdried his hair. I squeezed back into the bathroom, kicking my brother for space so I could put on a little bit of makeup. Toru nodded to the mirror, content with the way his hair was sweeping upwards.

"Hey, Kana. Get the stool from your room."

"Why?"

"Just do it."

I did, and he gestured for me to sit in front of him. My brother took the blow dryer to my head, yanking and pulling with the brush. When he was done, my frizzy, chronically unbrushed brown hair looked glossy and neat. I raised my eyebrows, "So that's why you do this every morning."

Toru smirked, then noticed the little moon pendant I was wearing in our bathroom mirror's reflection. "You still keep that on?", he asked. His voice was a bit different, hesitant.

I nodded. Toru looked lost in thought. I stared at the two of us in the mirror, both cleaned up nicely, and realized-

"Hey."

"Hm."

"I had a nice time hanging out with you today."

Toru made a face, "Yeah, yeah. Whatever."

I saw him smile some, though. Together, we went back downstairs to wait for people to arrive.


	20. My Brother's Secret

The number of people at the party was growing. Conversations and laughter merged, bodies were close enough together that their outlines were blurring. There were beer cans, best friends, people yelling to one another across the room. The girls were glittery and the guys were goofing off. Tenduo and I had become the unofficial sober chaperones of the gathering. I was currently helping Makki find his shoes, even though they were on his feet. When he finally realized they were there, he gasped, "I'm shocked, I'm shocked. Look. I'm shocked, but you probably can't tell. Mattsun, raise your eyebrows for both of us. See! That's how shocked I am." 

I laughed and led him to the couch to sit down beside Yahaba. 

It was really quite fun. Tenduo was getting along surprisingly well with some of the Aoba Johsai guys. They may have despised him on the court, but I saw him chatting enthusiastically with Kunimi, which was a feat unto itself. Even though I wasn't drinking, I discovered I was decent at beer pong, second only to Iwaizumi. Toru was surprisingly bad, but he may have let his friend win. My brother was in his element, girls flocking around him, hanging onto his every word. Cue an eye roll. I allowed my hips to sway to the music, bobbing my head slightly. Tenduo wrapped an arm around my waist, kissing my cheek, then the top of my head. 

When he had first arrived, he had stared at me in stunned silence, "You look so, so beautiful." I had blushed violently, but before I could return the compliment, Toru stepped down from the stairs, "No. No. Gross. No more of that, or I'm not letting you in the house."

Tenduo put his hand up in surrender and made a gesture like his lips were sealed, winking at me. Toru glared, saying nothing. He specifically had not interacted with Tenduo since, and Iwaizumi had also given the red haired middle blocker a bit of a cold shoulder, but other than that, things were fine. 

"How are you?", I asked him. 

Tenduo smiled, "I'm good. This is surprisingly enjoyable." 

I nodded, agreeing. I leaned back against his chest, allowing our bodies to sway against one another. As we had grown closer, my confidence had increased. I turned to face him, taking his hands, intertwining our fingers together. "Dooo you. Maybe. Wanna go make out in my room?" 

Tenduo's eyes grew impossibly wide, his face violently red, as he nodded an enthusiastic yes. 

I led him up the stairs, down the hall. We toppled onto my bed, already tangled up in each other. His mouth and tongue were like honey, his hands rough with wear of use. My heart was skipping beats. Fingers in hair, legs in all kinds of places, his mouth on my cheek, then my neck. I breathed a little sigh of surprise and held him tighter. I took that moment, briefly, to admire how it felt to be comfortable with a person in a way I had not been before. Comfortable to be held, to be touched. To kiss and be kissed with unique hunger. Comfortable to share my space with another soul. 

I slipped my hands beneath his shirt, "Can I?" 

Tenduo nodded, holding his arms up so that it was easier to take the black sweater off of him. His stomach was toned, tightly muscled. I kissed on his collar bones, a bit further down, melting into his pale skin. He sat up, tilting my face to kiss me back, a hand resting on the zipper of my dress, "Can I?" 

My heart beat a little harder, but I nodded my consent. The dress slipped off my shoulders, off my body. It collected around my legs and I kicked it away. We sat there, looking at each other in our near naked states, catching our breath. The purple light shown on our skin, violet and warm, making Tenduo look like some radiant, otherworldly creature. I watched the way his hazel eyes took me in, different from the way anyone had ever looked at me. 

I felt... beautiful, bare, under his gaze. 

"Hi." 

"Hi, hi." 

"Hi, hi, hi." 

And we laughed, squeezing each other tighter, acknowledging this was a vulnerable situation, but one we were happy to be in together. Being around him wasn't crazy. It wasn't earth shattering. It was just joy, plain and simple. The joy of good comfort and company, of first time experiences, possibly even a first time, though I don't love the societal contract women hold in that. Our bodies pressed back together with a hungry urgency, when there was suddenly a large crash downstairs. 

I sat up, annoyed. "Something sounds broken." 

Tenduo sighed, taking my hand, "C'mon, let's go check it out." 

I lightly pushed him back on the bed, "Just wait here. I'll be right back. And we can.. continue this." We shared a grin.

I didn't want to bother with the dress's zipper, so I threw on Tenduo's sweater and a pair of pants from my closet. The living room was more packed that I anticipated, it was starting to get slightly out of hand. The crash had come from someone accidentally bumping a bunch of books off a shelf, but nobody seemed hurt and nothing seemed broken. I had Toru's written note of responsibility tucked in a drawer upstairs, so I was fine. I scanned the crowd for him, though. I think a reminder to keep all our shit together was very necessary in this moment, especially as I watched Makki and Mattsun tape beer cans together to make swords. 

Toru was nowhere to be found. 

He wasn't in the bathroom (some girl was puking while Mad Dog, of all people, held her hair back), nor was he in the backyard. I went back upstairs, seeing the light on in his room. 

_Eiiiuuughhhh, for fuck's sake_. 

I really, really did not want to have any idea of what was going on with whatever girl that was in there, so I resolved myself to just bang on the door, and yell something like "OIKAWA, GO MAKE SURE YOUR FRIEND'S DON'T BREAK OUR SHIT", and clear out. But as I went to knock, I accidentally pushed the door open.

"Fuck, sorry-" 

I quickly turned away, but then turned back. Everything went kind of still. Iwaizumi and Toru were both looking at me, a bit shocked. They were both partially clothed, and Toru was on top of him, their hands laced together. 

"What are you guys..." 

It clicked. 

Oh, shit. Fuck. Okay. I shut the door, my face burning. This was... not something I had expected. I had no idea what I should, or could say, so I blindly stumbled back into my room. "Is everything alright?", Tenduo asked leaning forward in bed. I heard myself say that everything was fine, and I crawled up next to him, resting my head on his chest. 

"Can we just cuddle for a while? I'm sorry." 

"No, don't be sorry. Of course.", Tenduo wrapped his arms around me, softly kissing the top of my head. 

I heard the sound of my brother's door open and then close again. 

When I woke up, I was firmly wrapped in Tenduo's arms. I nearly wished I hadn't. It felt so good, being there, stapled between dream and reality. I loved feeling his heart beat, his skin on my skin. I hadn't remembered falling asleep, and I was sorely disappointed to be waking.   
Mornings are so inconvenient.   
Tenduo stirred, blinking sleepily in a sweet half consciousness. He woke up so carefully, so gently, smiling at me in the tricky light that seeped through the gaps in my curtains.   
He rolled over, scooching down so that he was laying facedown on my stomach. 

  
"Hmmmmmm."   
"Are you a morning person, Satori?"   
"Noooope." 

  
He squeezed me tight, as if I were a rag doll. I laughed. Tenduo looked up at me, "What is your stance on morning breath kisses?"   
"Uhhhh... undecided."   
He leaned forward to kiss me, slowly, longingly, while we both did our best not breathe. That only made me laugh, which made Tenduo laugh.   
"Let's go brush our teeth, c'mon. I got one of those little unopened packaged ones from the dentist you can borrow."   
Tenduo balled himself up in the covers. I grabbed his ankle, trying to pull him off the bed. "If you get up, I'll make you coffee with chocolate powder mixed in it."   
"I'm up, I'm up."   
I was still wearing Tenduo's sweater, so I rolled up the sleeves. I stared at his bare chest in the bathroom mirror as we both brushed our teeth.   
Tenduo noticed me noticing and blushed. I quickly spit out the toothpaste, wiping my mouth.   
We went down the stairs, our fingers loosely locked together. The living room was a mess of cups and spilled snacks, but nothing was damaged.   
It was then I noticed the delicious, fragrant smell of cooking from the kitchen. Like pancakes. Bacon. All the delicious Western style breakfasty things I knew for a fact my brother was not able to cook. I rounded the corner to see Iwaizumi at the skillet, pouring batter. Toru sat on the counter beside him, watching.

Toru. Iwaizumi. Toru and Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi and Toru. 

The events of last night came rushing back into my sleep addled brain. A kind of panic, that panic of when you know you know something that you really aren't supposed to know, and they know that you know it-agh.

It was a lot of knowing, and it was terrible.

The two of them turned, looking at me and Tenduo. My brother looked my boyfriend up and down, glaring. "Go put on a shirt."   
Tenduo tried not to laugh, choosing to nod respectfully. He went to go get his T-shirt from my room, leaving me alone with the pair.   
Toru turned back to Iwaizumi, who was aggressively focused on his pancake making.

It seemed very apparent that we were not going to discuss last night.

I decided to do what I always did in uncomfortable situations: make coffee.   
"Do... you guys want any?"   
"No.", my brother snapped.   
"That would be great, Kana.", Iwaizumi mumbled.   
I made three cups, passing one with chocolate powder to Tenduo when he returned.

The four of us ended up at the kitchen table, Tenduo and I sitting on one side, Toru and Iwaizumi on the other. The pancakes and bacon were ridiculously delicious, but they could not ease the overwhelming awkwardness of the collective interaction. We ate in silence, until Tenduo tried to make conversation with Iwaizumi, "Your spikes were really good! Kept me on my toes." Iwaizumi just glared at Tenduo. He always seemed so practical, so put together, I forget he could be as disastrously competitive as my brother.

Great breakfast. Really great breakfast.   
Very awkward. Very bad.

Tenduo and I washed the dishes as Toru and Iwaizumi began to clean up from the party. Tenduo hummed softly, leaning down to kiss the tip of my ear. When the dishes were clean, we helped with the last of party pickup. By the time we were finished, it was midday.   
I leaned into my boyfriend's chest, wishing him good luck on his Sunday afternoon homework.   
He kissed me goodbye and promised to text.   
Iwaizumi gave my brother and I a nod, also heading out, back to his home.   
Toru and I stood in the doorframe, watching the two of them go.

Finally, he turned to me.

"So. We need to talk."


	21. The Planetarium

Over a million people live in Sendai, so the lights never quite go off after dark. When my brother and I first became space enthusiasts, it wasn't through our own ability to stargaze. Our mother took us on a whim to visit the Sendai Astronomical Observatory, and that changed everything. From that moment on, it was all about the aliens, the starships, the solar system. Toru and I would stay awake every night to try to catch a glimpse of some universal happenings, often falling asleep next to each other in the grass in the backyard. When my parents grew tired of always having to carry us back to our beds, they gifted us a tent for Christmas, so we could stay out under the sky for as late as we wanted. Those stars were never quite enough, though. We begged our mother every weekend to take us to the Observatory, saving up all of our allowance for the price of admission. 

Somehow, we found ourselves back there. 

It was uncrowded for a Sunday. We hadn't been in years, but it seemed as if the Sendai Astronomical Observatory had been preserved in both time and memory. I stared at the giant telescope by the entrance as my brother paid our admission. We walked side by side through the exhibition hall, quietly looking at old artifacts for astrological observation, ancient charts hung beside more modern editions. I stood eye to eye with the red center of Jupiter, amongst other large planet recreations, all softly glowing from within. 

"C'mon, Kana. The show's going to start soon." 

I remembered the planetarium as one of the most magical spaces of my childhood. The same excitement crept up on me, like an echo of a long passed joy, as the lights dimmed. Toru and I sat side by side in a theater meant for a much larger crowd. 

I leaned back, watching as the universe spun into creation. 

_"The Big Bang was not an explosion. It is not like a bomb. Because the universe has no edge, there is no empty space, out there, beyond our reach. The space itself is a being, and it is constantly... expanding."_

A pulse of bright light flooded the screen, vibrating, expanding. I watched as the light became matter, the matter our world. There are more planets than organs in the body, more stars than hairs on one's head. I watched as the collected and coalesced, shaping into systems who's names I knew well: TRAPPIST-1, Alpha Centauri, The Milky Way. 

It was the same program that had played when we were kids. Toru and I had seen it so many times, we could recite the script. I couldn't remember it anymore, but I turned to look at Toru and saw that he was mouthing the words. 

_"There are deep discoveries within our own galaxy we can still make."_

He caught me watching him, but he didn't stop. I chuckled softly and looked back up as a projected satellite floated across the dome. 

When the show was finished, we sat outside on a bench, gazing fondly at the smooth curve of the building. 

"So." 

"So." 

Toru looked down, grinding his sneaker into the concrete. He seemed... nervous. I cleared my throat a bit, "Look, I'm here for you, I don't care if you're-" 

"I don't care if you care!", he snapped. I gave him a look, a _C'mon. Chill._ kind of look. 

Toru took a breath. He seemed to think over what it is he wanted to say in his head. I knew he needed to take his time. When he finally spoke, there was a confidence in his voice. 

"Iwaizumi and I figured out that we liked each other when we were kids. It's something we tried to ignore and put away for a long, long time.. but eventually.. we realized that's just who we were." 

A cool October breeze spun through the air, lifting my hair off my shoulders. Toru folded his hands in his lap, then unfolded them. "I'm not ashamed, or anything. Not anymore. I'll probably start telling people soon. The captain for Fukurodani is dating one of his team members, and he seems like he has it all together just fine. I... yeah." 

I couldn't imagine having to be careful about having a boyfriend before the world. I remembered how nice the other evening had been, going out with Tenduo and the rest of his team. The privilege I had to feel okay to just walking around and holding his hand in public wasn't something I had even considered. 

"Are you in love with him?" 

The question came tumbling out before I could even think that it may be a bit forward. 

"Iwaizumi?" 

I nodded, hesitantly. My brother smiled, more stars appearing in his eyes than I had seen throughout the entire planetarium show. "Yeah. I love him very much." 

He breathed the smallest sigh of relief after saying it, and I realized it was likely he had never told anyone that before, beyond Iwaizumi himself. 

"Does anyone else know?" 

"I think mom did. In that last month before she.. you know. She told me that she was really glad I met him. I told her I was really glad, too. " 

That was our mother. Perceptive to a fault. She always knew, well it seemed like she always knew everything. It's possible she did. I took out my little moon charm, rubbing it between my finger and thumb. I turned towards Toru and noticed the small gold chain beneath his t-shirt. I fished it out, the sun charm flashing brilliantly in the mid afternoon light. He allowed me to pull the necklace into the open, where it dangled against his chest. 

Grief was the scar that ran between us, but it was a mark we both bore. 

I held a picture in my mind, two children being led by their mother into the Observatory. I could almost see the way her wavy hair would have bounced in the wind. Maybe it would look like mine. I thought about her hands, her smell... only I couldn't remember what her hands felt like, what exactly she smelled like. It was like an outline without color. 

Empty spaces are the mystery of existence. 

We sat on the bench for a long time, and I realized I had a little bit of an idea of what I could paint. 


End file.
